Eulogy: A Love Story
by moonmythology
Summary: Kaidan Alenko retells his and Shepard's story. Complete. See "Cycles: A Love Story" for its continuation.
1. Funeral

A/N: All the characters, except Aida, belong to Bioware.

**Chapter 1: Funeral**

My life closed twice before its close;

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell.

-Emily Dickinson

The cathedral service was lavish. Ambassador Udina gave a long speech praising her courage and determination. It was so full of praise that Anderson cringed at certain moments—everyone who really knew her also knew that she and Udina never got along.

_Ceremony_, she would have lamented. _Idle ceremony_. Although she would have hated the lavish arrangements, she would have been delighted to see how many people of various species and races loved her, for hardly anyone believed her in her life when she made her claim about Saren and the Reapers. Even now, people who truly believed her are considered conspiracy theorists.

The procession was long. It took hours for her empty coffin to reach the SSV Kilimanjaro from the newly built Shepard monument where it was displayed. People and various races wanted to touch her coffin to throw flowers or merely to pay their respects. For a week, the Shepard monument was littered with thousands of bouquets. Like the monument made for her, the coffin was only symbolic for no one ever found her body.

There was another service in the Kilimanjaro. This time, Anderson gave a short, simple yet moving speech. He told everyone how he first met Shepard—a no-nonsense N7 trainee who showed much courage as much as she showed promise. Hardly anyone knew Shepard as long as Anderson did. But come to think of it, she would have probably been so at one point given her experiences in Mindoir and Akuze. After Anderson's speech, she was given gun salutes before her coffin was released in space.

We, the ones she served with, were all spectators of this show even if we were given good seats. Liara could not hold back her tears. Wrex scoffed at everyone who cried. Garrus remained solemn. Tali sniffed under her mask. I sat in silence. I know that I could never express all that she was to me in mere words.

When all this was over and when everyone was gone, Anderson took the seat beside me. After a long pause, he said, "Perhaps now is the time to take your shore leave, Lieutenant."

"Permission to speak freely?"

He nodded.

"How could I when I had promised to spend it with her?"

There was another long pause. We have our own ways of dealing with grief.

"Sir, what about the…Geth mission?" I stopped. I could not call it for what it actually was. "She would have wanted us to complete it."

"She would have wanted you to take your time. She gave her life to save all of you so she wouldn't mind sparing you some time off the mission."

"Sir, I know that very well. It was because she gave her life for all of us and the mission that I must give it my full attention. I must find out who or what did this to her and the others."

"Very well. But you do realize that this is more than clean-up duty."

"I understand, sir."

"Good luck, Commander."

I was still not used to being called that.

"Thank you sir." I got up and gave him a goodbye salute.

I thought a lot about what Anderson said. A lot of us have debated what Shepard would have wanted. All of us did our best to fulfill what we have believed that Shepard would have wanted.

As I reached my apartment, I flicked through the book of myths that she lent me—a book that I was never able to return. She marked many of its pages with her small free hand. I settled reading a page that contained the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. This page was unmarked. I perused its contents and never knew when I fell asleep.

In the dream that followed, I was Orpheus. I bribed the ferryman to carry me to Hades. I braved death to see her once again. I thrilled Hades with a song of my grief. Finally the dark god, agreed to let her go in the condition that I lead her to the light without looking back.

No looking back: that was the plan. I felt for her rough but slender hands as I led her, groping in the darkness. At that moment, she felt so real, so alive.

Finally, light downed at the end of the tunnel. I turned to glimpse at her beautiful face. Her smile, which rivaled any goddess' suddenly turned to a look of terror. And in an instant, she was gone.

I would have given everything to see her again.

In this account that I write of her, perhaps I would convince the universe to bring her back to me.

In life or in death, we will meet again.


	2. The Head Turner

**Chapter 2**

The Head Turner

In that book which is

My memory . . .

On the first page

That is the chapter when

I first met you

Appear the words . . .

Here begins a new life

- Dante Alighieri

"The XO is a woman," Pressly told us in the mess one day. "A _young_ woman."

I did not always make a habit to listen to gossip, but Pressly initiated it. In cases such these, I always found it best to stay quiet, especially since I have only known them for about a week. We were all only recently re-assigned to a relatively new prototype warship we were in. I could barely remember everyone's names.

"Who?" Adams asked.

"Shepard is her name," Pressly replied. "Commander Shepard. Probably known to some as the sole survivor of the Akuze incident."

A momentary silence ensued.

Akuze. Everyone, every human, knew what that name meant, and what it symbolized. Everyone knew that no one could survive that without scars.

"You mentioned that she is a young woman?" Dr. Chakwas asked, breaking the silence. "How young?"

"Twenty-nine," answered Pressly.

"I finished my degree at twenty, and got assigned to my first ship at twenty-one. Because we women are getting more and more pressures to succeed before thirty, twenty-nine is just right."

"When is she expected?" I finally threw a question.

"Tomorrow morning. I hope she makes sure we get all our transfer papers soon. Heaven knows how long we have waited for them."

The doctor pushed her bowl away. "I hope she convinces the cook to make less gruel and to get us more protein sources and vegetables."

"I hope she has a nice ass," Jenkins added wistfully.

Dr. Chakwas shot him a dirty look.

Sometime in the middle of the conversation, a woman, in her fatigues and shirt sat at the table across us. The brim of her oversized cap slightly hid her face, but when she turned slightly to listen, I got a good look. She wore her dark brown hair up, making her look older than she probably was at first glance. At least it highlighted her pretty features: her deep blue eyes (or at least I thought it was blue), her smooth fair complexion, her slightly upturned nose and her elegant lips. A smile played on her lips as she listened to our light banter and forked her salad, but she never came to join us. No one seemed to notice her.

I tried not to look at her too much. Several times, I rejoined the conversation just so she would not notice me looking.

When we all got up, she was gone.

* * *

><p><em>Always leave a way out<em>. That was what I told often told myself. Regs are there for a reason. When they say _do not fraternize_, then do not fraternize. I was not fraternizing; I was just admiring her. Besides, it is not wrong to get to know the crew.

I looked for her at breakfast, telling myself that it is not against the regs to introduce oneself to another officer or to any of the crew. Though people took theirs at different times, I hoped to catch a glimpse of her again. But she never came.

At lunch, I sat across Jenkins. My eyes scanned heads around as he talked.

"The commander is hot," said Jenkins excitedly.

"Uh-huh." Sorry, too busy Corporal.

"I saw her come in early today with the Captain, and boy… did she turn a lot of heads."

"She's an XO. Of course she would turn a lot of heads."

"But she really is hot. And by that I mean smokin' hot. If you were at the command deck earlier, you would have seen her. By the way, why weren't you there?"

"I was off duty."

He was about to say something else when we heard the generic female voice on the comm. _All officers to the briefing room_. _All officers to the briefing room._

Within minutes, I made my way to the briefing room. Almost everyone was already there, including her. Yes, _her_. This time, she wore no cap. She wore a dark grey onyx armor that revealed the near perfect symmetry of her body. _N7 _was inscribed on her chest plate. Then suddenly I knew _who_ she was.

Captain Anderson was the last to come in. He paced a bit at the center of the room before addressing everyone. "You all know why you are here. You are here because you were all highly recommended. You are here because you are the best. But perhaps the best of us all is yet to be known to all of us."

He stood beside commander and placed one hand on her shoulder. Her face betrayed a slight smile to the captain. "Gentlemen, meet Commander Aida Shepard: top of her class and decorated soldier."

She gave him a nod of thanks.

"And I need you all to be in your best behavior on our shakedown run next week. Especially because we will be welcoming a Spectre on board."

Everyone had questions as we left the room.

Pressly whispered, "Did he really say Spectre?"

"He said Spectre…" was the reply I heard from Adams.

I walked out of the room just as incredulous, barely noticing Jenkins beside me. "I told you the Commander is hot."

_I saw her first, Corporal._

* * *

><p>The next few days were crazy. How in the universe can anyone make a ship ready for a Spectre in a few days? But the Commander's presence made everything easier for everyone. The day after she was introduced to us, we all got copies of our transfer in our emails. The menu has improved to include more beef, pork, chicken and vegetables—just what the doctor ordered. Though she never said much, everyone instantly loved her.<p>

She introduced herself to us individually. I took longer shifts, waiting anxiously for my turn. It came unexpectedly one day as I when I was monitoring kinetic barriers.

I did not get sleep that night. God knows how much we still had to do. My head hurt a little bit that morning. It was something common given my condition. I got a few pills from the doctor, but today they didn't seem to work.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Then I heard her light footsteps. When my eyelids opened, I found myself staring at a pair of deep blue eyes. I almost thought that I was in heaven. Probably took me a few minutes to recover.

"That sector is a little off. Are you feeling alright Lieutenant?" There was concern in her voice.

"Sorry, ma'am." In an instant, I turned back to the controls.

"Have you been getting any sleep Lieutenant?"

"He barely sleeps at all," Joker stated casually.

_Yeah, Thanks Joker._

"Get some rest Lieutenant. Now. I need everyone fit for duty."

"Yes, Ma'am." I replied as I shuffled off.

That was our first conversation. Great talk.


	3. Overthrown

**Chapter 3**

**Overthrown**

Alliance relationships are pretty much like grade school playground relationships. If you like a girl, you should never in your life tell her.

My previous mishap at least caused her to pay more attention to me. She often passed by me on the bridge and checked on what I was doing. So far, I only got nods of approval. I am not the only one with a condition on the ship, I believe Joker has it worse than me, but I never in my life will tell him that. But I showed that I failed when I was needed, and I will never let that happen again.

On one of those occasions when she examined me at my tasks, I noticed a small scar that cut across her left eyebrow. Not sure if that was a battle scar or a scar from the tragedy at Mindoir. By now, word has also gotten around the ship that she was originally from Mindoir and was there during the famous massacre, barely escaping the fate that befell her family.

She must have noticed that I have been staring at her intently when she said, "Do you often make a study of people Lieutenant?"

"Only interesting ones, Ma'am."

Now she looked squarely at my face. "And what is it about me that's interesting Lieutenant?"

"Everything, ma'am. Never worked with someone from the N7 program before."

"You'll get used to it." And then I saw her beautiful smile.

"I guess you're alright Alenko."

With that, she marched off to the direction of the galaxy map. When she was out of earshot, the words came out, "You too...Shepard."

* * *

><p>Our relationship had a lot to do with headaches, and this time, I gave her one.<p>

Let me put you to speed on how we got to this: Nihilus came as expected. The launch was successful, until we received a distress signal from Eden Prime. When we landed there, it was overrun with geth. Our task was to secure a Prothean beacon. Jenkins got killed even before he was able to fire one shot. We encountered Chief Williams, whose unit got wiped out and joined us in a fire fight just in time. Since we lost Jenkins, it was good that we found Chief Williams who only narrowly missed getting shot at by drones. The geth wiped out her unit. Losing her squad was traumatic, but she was level-headed enough to lead us to the beacon. Looking back, I believe she is one of the most level headed soldiers that I know.

During these, I finally got to see Shepard in action. She was a sniper. In other words, she kept as much distance as she could from enemies, sniping them while cloaked and issuing orders while in cover. Williams and I adjusted to this quickly, drawing fire to ourselves. Me especially. With my biotics, I think enemies always seem to know where I am. But she always reacted quickly and she kept anything from getting too close to us. She was a great tactician. It was like she was always one step ahead of the enemy. Maybe it has something to do with her scope. After scoping the enemy lines for a few seconds, she always seemed to know what to do.

As far as enemies go, we encountered husks, or what I would think of as a more modern night-of-the-living-dead. Searching the place further for the beacon, distraught survivors, geth, a dead Nihilus, a lazy idiot who told us about another Spectre who killed Nihilus, more geth, demolition charges, still more geth and finally, the beacon.

The beacon was emitting a very bright green light that beamed all the way up to the sky, when we came to it. As I came close to it, I must have triggered some kind of Prothean security field that dragged me to it. It sent bolts burning through my brain. Shepard saved me, pushing me out of the way but was lifted by the beacon in my place. She struggled and twitched. One could tell that the pain was torturous. I wanted to save her but Williams' arms pulled me back. Without warning, the beacon exploded and threw Shepard back unconscious. She looked like she was dead, and it was my fault.

"Normandy, we need a medic here right away!" As Williams looked on, I smoothened her pale, almost lifeless face, and could not understand what I was feeling—guilt, confusion and something else. It should have been me that the beacon had taken. It should have been me lying down half-dead. Not her. Not her.

The Normandy landed near where we were. Williams and I carried her to Dr. Chakwas. As the doctor was examining Shepard, she must have noticed the concern on my face. "Relax Lieutenant, she is only unconscious. Physically, she is fine."

"But why isn't she waking up?"

She did not answer.

I told the Captain everything. Of course, he wasn't pleased with what happened, but Shepard did everything right, and he understood that. I also recommended Williams' transfer to the Normandy. As much as I hated losing Jenkins, we needed someone to take his place. Williams had the right presence of mind, sound judgement and courage given the situation.

As soon as I finished with the Captain, I went immediately back to her. Williams joined me. It must have been her way of thanking me and Shepard. It was only this time that I was able to properly observe her. She was young, pretty and she seemed dedicated. After an hour of silent waiting, she said, "If you kiss her, she might just wake up."

I made a face. "Williams, don't make me regret recommending you."

"So touchy, Geez!" Seemingly offended, she stormed off to the door. Before leaving, she gave me a wink, "Don't worry LT. I won't tell on you."

I just had to make it that obvious.

_Six hours, seven hours._

I counted each hour that I was with her.

_Ten hours, eleven, twelve._

I could not understand why, but I just had to be there.

_Thirteen, fourteen..._

I must have fallen asleep for a while. My eyes flickered to see her fingers move. "Doctor Chakwas! Doctor Chakwas!" I had to pause for a bit. I did not want to make it sound like a freaking medical emergency. "I think she's waking up."

The doctor helped her sit up. Thankfully Shepard was not yet that conscious enough to see the doctor flash me an I-told-you-she'll-eventually-wake look. She sat across Shepard. "You had us worried there Shepard. How are you feeling?"

Shepard placed two fingers in the middle of her eyebrows. "Minor throbbing, but nothing serious." Upon removing them, she looked at the doctor directly. "How long was I out?"

"About fifteen hours. Something must have happened down there with the beacon, I think."

Shepard must not have noticed me yet. "It was my fault," I admitted. "I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way."

Shepard turned to me, this time, looking as if she felt sorry for me. "You had no way of knowing that would happen." She wasn't angry. I met her eyes for a moment. I wanted to say "thank you," but I couldn't. It was as if the person standing in my place was no longer me.

I continued, "The blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back to the ship."

Her blue eyes smiled at me. "I appreciate it."

I was overthrown. The one standing in my place could only give her a nod.

"Physically you're fine," the doctor interrupted. "But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming."

"I saw..." At this point, she looked intensely puzzled her eyes taking turns at being directed to the doctor, me and the ground. "I am not sure what I saw. Death, destruction, nothing's really clear." As her eyes closed, part of me wanted to comfort her, the way you comfort children who had bad dreams.

_Everything is alright, Shepard. The world is safe._

But there was no comforting her.

The doctor's voice interrupted my thoughts once more. "I better add this to my report. It may—Oh, Captain Anderson"

The captain strode in. "How is our XO holding up, doctor?"

"All the readings look normal. I'd say the commander's going to be fine."

"Glad to hear it." Turning to Shepard, he said. "Shepard, I need to speak with you—in private."

I gave the captain a salute, and told him that I would be in the mess in case anyone needed me. As I looked back at Shepard, I remembered the beacon burning through my head. I tried to remember images that the beacon seemed to push inside my brain, but were erased. Nothing. Shepard alone saw horrors that was probably meant for me, and there was nothing I could do.

* * *

><p>At dinner, I thought a lot about what happened: Nihilus, Saren, Jenkins, the geth, the beacon and the accident. Those were the things that I didn't think too much about when I was worrying about her. It was a lot to process in less than one day.<p>

Without me noticing it at first, she took the seat across me. I examined face, her forehead. Thankfully there were no bruises and cuts from her fall. "I—uh, Commander..." This time, I had forgotten about my steak.

"Yes, Alenko?" She asked, putting down her fork.

"I'm glad to see that you're okay." Yes, a quick recovery. "Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew. I'm glad we didn't lose you too."

At this point, her piercing blue eyes were examining me. "Things went worse than what any of us expected. How are you holding up?"

She's worried about _me_. "You'll never get used to seeing dead civilians. Doesn't seem right somehow."

"I know." She sighed. "Tell me about it. I guess it's the thought that their supposed to fight us, not innocent people. Doesn't make it any easier."

_Encouragement, Kaidan, encouragement_. "At least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony."

"It wasn't just me. I know I couldn't have done it without you." There's that little smile again. "All I am trying to say is: thank you."

_Thank You. Right. All this time, she wanted to thank me._ "We're marines, and we stick together." And I just had to say that line. True, but not completely true given that I would have done more if _she_ had asked for it. But of course we are marines, and there's the rub. We did lose someone because of what happened. "I am just sorry that we lost Jenkins."

She looked down on her plate. "Yeah, I wish I could have done something to save him."

_C'mon Kaidan, say something to ease her thoughts_. "I was there. You did everything right. It was just bad luck." I redirected my attention to my steak away from her peering eyes. The fact that it is overcooked does not make it easier. "It's been a hell of a shakedown cruise. Our first mission ends with one Spectre killing another." _That's right Kaidan, redirect everything to conspiracy theories_. "The Citadel Council's not going to be happy about that. Probably use it to lever more concessions out of the Alliance."

I briefly glanced at her examining eyes again. She seemed amused. "Interesting thought. You a career man?"

"Most biotics are. We're unrestricted but we sure don't go undocumented. May as well get a paycheck for it." She wasn't a biotic. She was a tech and a sniper. I've seen her fight. Of course she would have been interested. "Besides, my father served. Made him proud when I enlisted...eventually. But isn't that why you're here?"

"My parents were farmers. Or, well, at least my father was. But after that...unfortunate incident, I decided to enlist. Figured that I'd do the galaxy some good if I do. And I became noteworthy because of another unfortunate incident."

Right, Akuze. No need to rub that in. The way she talked about it, I am not sure if there was a tinge of guilt there. "Word is we're heading for the Citadel, ma'am. Can you, uh, tell me why?"

At this, she became more direct and matter-of-fact, as if she was in a briefing. "The captain hopes the ambassador can get an audience with the Council. Tell them what Saren's been up to."

"Makes sense. They'll probably like to know that he's not working for them anymore. Whatever happens, we'll be ready Commander." _That's right Kaidan. Speak your mind._

She started slicing through the leather-like steak. "Any advice on how to act in front of an ambassador?"

"An ambassador? I'd just follow standard operating procedure: salute anything you can't eat or kill." I stood up and gave her a good salute. "Good luck ma'am."

At this, point, she had already gobbled up a slice, so she nearly choked laughing. She laughed, and it was wonderful, like good music.

At least I got that one almost right.

At that moment, I realized that I wanted to do anything just to make her laugh and see her smile for me once more.


	4. The Slip

**Chapter 4**

**Slip**

Elevator rides in the Citadel were really really long. Enough time for one to reload up to ten ancient rifles. By the time Williams decided that she hated politics and politicians, one might have reloaded five rifles.

Five more to go.

Williams started reciting poetry:

"In every cry of every Man,  
>In every Infant's cry of fear,<br>In every voice, in every ban,  
>The mind-forg'd manacles I hear."<p>

"Quoting Blake," Shepard said smiling. "Good one Williams."

Blake? What?

Shepard must have noticed how confused I was. "William Blake. Late Eighteenth century English poet. Romantic. Lived in London most of his life. Must have hated politicians too." Turning to Williams, "Have you ever been to London Williams?"

"No Ma'am," she replied. "But _London_ sure as hell feels like this. God, I could still hear those politicians' voices resounding in my head."

At least Williams was able to make our Council woes poetical.

On first few days, we acted like tourists. We probably needed it after being lambasted by the Council. All we needed was a camera.

Upon going down to the Wards at night, we came upon a view of the Citadel, a grand view stretching before us like a great map.

_Big place._

I must have said that out loud, because at this, Williams threw me a question, "Is that your professional opinion, Sir?"

"This isn't a station," Shepard pointed out, leaning on the railings. "It's a city."

"There must be millions here," I said. "Can't be possible to track everyone coming and going."

Williams' eyes glistened with wonder. "This makes Jump Zero look like a portajohn, and it's the biggest Deep Space Station the Alliance has."

Below us were thousands of lights—some constant and some moving. Above us flew the other Ward arms, and they also emitted thousands of lights. Every shape we saw was defined by light. Especially at night, the city glistened with life. And from where we stood, it was as if everything that we saw was pulling us the same way we were pulled to it. It was like...gravity. "Jump Zero is big, but this is a whole another scale. Look at the Ward arms!" I pointed upwards. "How do they keep all that mass from flying apart?"

Shepard turned her head towards us. "The Council represents more races than I thought. No wonder they are careful with newcomers."

I nodded. "They probably just want keep everything running. Must be hard keeping all of these cultures working together."

"Or maybe they just don't like humans," Williams added.

"Why not?" Shepard let out a disbelieving sigh. "We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love...According to the old vids, we have everything they want."

_Love_. "If you put it that way, there is no reason why they wouldn't like you."

At this point, I felt eyes dart to me. _Oops._

"I mean—us, humans, Ma'am."

_Silence_. I could not look at her. Still, I wish I saw how she reacted.

Williams, who was our accidental middle, bit her lip. "You don't take much shore leave do you LT?"

"Alright, laugh it up Chief!" Upon stealing a glance, I saw Shepard roll her eyes, darting them sideways but not directly at me. "I appreciate the thought Alenko, but we're on duty here."

At this point, I could only sheepishly look at her. "Uh, Aye-aye Ma'am." Of course we were on duty. It was only right that she reminded me of it.I still couldn't look at her directly.

"I'll walk drag Ma'am." _Sure Ash._ At that point it wasn't a bad idea.

She did not avoid me when we got back to the ship. On the bridge, it was business as usual. At dinner, we dined separately with different sets of people. When I caught her eye, she beamed at me.

I was in space for the rest of the evening: floating, thinking of her.

* * *

><p>I was on vid-comm with my parents that night. They sounded worried when they heard about Eden Prime. In the news back on Earth, they heard about the slaughter, but nothing on Saren and the beacon. Of course, that is classified. So I kept quiet about it, and they sort of understood that. But of course, they were still worried. Especially Mom. But then again, she's always worried. Hence the frown-lines. And whenever she gets worried, she always gives me stuff to do: meditate, relax, exercise, eat and read this self-help book.<p>

"I'm fine Mom," I argued over the comm. "We're just gonna be stuck here in the Citadel until this gets resolved. It's really not bad though. I get to see the 'center of galactic civilization.' Not every assignment gets you here." The things that we say to alleviate our parents' worries.

"Okay, just be careful," she replied with a smile that seemed to erase her frown lines. "Whatever happens, I am proud of you son."

"Thanks Mom. Someday, I'll bring you and Dad here."

She smiled and snuggled sweetly on Dad's shoulder. "No thanks. I've already traveled far to meet your Dad." That's true. She had told me their love story a hundred times. Osaka was devastated because of a massive earthquake. She traveled to Vancouver to seek her fortune. Then she found Dad. Happy ending. To her, Osaka and Vancouver seemed like billions light years.

Dad shifted the camera just so it would focus on him. More stared from the background. Now Dad, has a typical Alliance restrained and reserve—everything he thinks and feels is always read in subtext. Every time he says "Just do it," it means "You can do it." "Go get them" means "I am proud of you." Others are simply lost in translation. It took years for me to figure that out. Even so, talking to Dad was always awkward.

"So," he began. "I hope your commander sure as hell knows what she is doing."

Not sure what that meant so I took it as it is. He's retired so he second-guesses everyone in the Alliance. Everyone except me.

I replied, "She knows the situation better than anyone else. What happened was just bad luck. Anderson is behind her on this."

"I hope so. So far, humanity is just getting bad press because of this."

"That is why we are here Dad: to sort the problems of humanity."

"Go get them then." He said that in his usual tough-it-up kind of way.

At least I know what that means.

Before I was able to sign off and say good-bye, Shepard entered the room with a datapad in her hand. "Alenko, suit up. I got a lead on—oh." She cut herself short when she came face-to-face with my parents. Dad, seeing the N7 mark on her fatigues, gave her a salute. Mom smiled. For a few minutes, there was silence. I didn't know what to do or say.

To me, that felt awkward, but she formally gave them a nod and said to me. "Briefing room in ten minutes." After stealing another short glance at my parents, she left the room.

"Was that her?" Dad asked.

I nodded guiltily. "Yes."

"Well, I guess you're fine then."

"Was that Commander Shepard?" asked Mom, squeezing her head next to Dad's. "The one who was in the news a few years ago about that incident on Akuze?"

"Yeah, that's her."

Now she was the one who looked a bit skeptical. "Okay son, always have enough sleep, take your meds and don't over exhaust your biotics. Make us proud."

"Yes, Mom."

With that, the vid went silent.

I proceeded to the briefing room immediately. Williams was not yet there. It was only Shepard who was pacing and reading a datapad when I came in. Without averting her eyes from the datapad, she asked. "Was that your parents on the vid-comm earlier?"

"Yes Ma'am."

She smiled, still looking at her datapad. "Looks like you have wonderful parents, Alenko. You an only child?"

"Yes ma'am."

She placed her datapad on the seat beside her and looked at me directly. "So was I. I bet you always make them proud whatever you do."

"Aren't parents always like that?"

"Not from what I've heard. I think we're just lucky."

I met her eyes. "Yeah, I guess we are."

Before I could say anything else, Ashley came in. And we got right to business about a lead she got on a turian we were looking for named Garrus.

I wanted to ask about her family. Everything that happened to her that made her who she is. But of course I simply couldn't ask about those. Not with all the regs and this business with Saren. But I hoped that someday, I would get the opportunity. I hoped.


	5. Dance

**Chapter 5**

**Dance**

Mom said that there were massive street parties on Earth when Shepard became the first human Spectre. Of course I didn't see them because I was with her on the actual ceremony.

What did I feel during all this? Proud. Honored. And in awe. I remember walking out of the Citadel tower trying to wrap my head on the wonderful thing that just happened. When she gave her first speech as the Normandy's CO, I know we all felt proud to serve with her. She made it clear that the task before us was monumental and that humanity was depending on us, but we will step up. Like she did.

I was with Joker when she gave that first speech. She was leaning by the com only a few inches from me, but she only gave me a slight nod when she finished. Maybe her nearness made it what it was to me.

Despite all this, Joker detected that Shepard looked like she felt guilty taking the Normandy from Anderson. Of course that was not her fault, but I guess anyone in her position would feel guilty. And if what I have been hearing was true, she had always served under Anderson. From what I had seen observing them, he was more than a mentor to her. The way he talked to her, the way he always supported her, he was more like a father to her. That much I think all of us could sense given Anderson's departure.

Backroom politics sucks.

A few aliens joined us: a krogan named Wrex, a turian and former C-Sec officer named Garrus and a quarian on her pilgrimage named Tali. They joined in for their own reasons. Pressley and Ashley didn't like the idea. I didn't mind.

A few hours after Joker made the relay jump, Ashley smuggled some beer on the shuttle bay and invited me, Joker, Shepard and the requisitions officer whose name I don't remember. I guess sharing a beer while off-duty is not against the regs.

We all sat on the floor. The nameless req officer dozed off quickly. Ashley talked about her family. Joker bragged about some of the things he pulled off at flight school. I shared a couple of missions when I had to use my biotics. Nothing special. Just a more detailed version of some of the things on my file. Shepard didn't share anything, but she did ask questions. Good ones that made it clear that she was interested in us. She knew how to probe for information. As a result, I knew more about Ashley and Joker more that the few weeks I had with them. But with me, she felt a little guarded. She didn't ask much, but I did feel that she was silently reading me like a book.

It was still her, but it felt different, seeing her like this—her sitting on the floor, relaxing against a wall with a beer can in hand—it felt like she was just like us. I loved it.

After finishing a can or two, Ashley got up to the table and showed us a small music pod connected to some speakers. "I got samples of everyone's music from everyone's music pods, and put them all here. Commander, if you don't mind…"

She cheerfully shook her head. "No. I don't mind."

Instantly, techno dance music echoed around the bay. That God most people were off-duty. Ashley started dancing, swinging her hips to the music. She invited Joker to dance with her.

Joker waved a hand. "I'm not breaking anything tonight."

I got up and dance with Ashley. Ashley invited Shepard to dance with us but she shook her head. "Sorry Williams, I don't dance. And by that, I mean I can't."

"Anyone can dance Commander."

"Not me Chief."

With no one else on her side, Ashley turned to me. "Make her dance LT."

Okay, I guess the chain of command does not apply in mini-parties.

I didn't need to say anything. Shepard got up and smiled at me. "Alright. But I warn you Alenko: I don't dance. I can only sway."

Ashley skipped to the next track. I was an old song, old but redone several times by many different groups. My parents listened to it.

_I love you more today than yesterday_

_But not as much as tomorrow…_

Ashley shook the sleeping req and forced him to dance with her, groggily. I turned my eyes to Shepard's direction. She froze. Almost literally.

_I love you more today than yesterday_

_But only half as much as tomorrow…_

"I can't sway to this," she muttered.

I tried to teach her a few dance steps. She tried to copy them without much success. Her movements were a bit too stiff. And she stepped on my foot. Twice. She narrowly missed the third time.

"Sorry," she apologized guiltily.

"That's alright. As Commander, you do have every right to step on my toes whenever you see fit."

She laughed. "That will surely make a dent on my reputation."

"Well, nobody's perfect."

"I'm with you there."

"All the more reason for people to like you."

"Careful with the flirting Lieutenant. I may just bite."

The song ended. Ashley was up for another dance. Shepard sat on the floor again, happily drinking and watching with Joker. I danced to a couple more songs before joining them. At least I got to dance with her that night.


	6. An Element of Blank

**Chapter 6**

**An Element of Blank**

_Everything hurt like hell. Vernus made an example of me that morning.. It was all because of one word written inside one of the cells:_

_Justice._

_I didn't write it though, but I claimed that I did._

_It was Rahna. She smuggled in a French novel about a prisoner who went to jail for a crime that he didn't do. His hair turned white overnight and he wrote that word on the walls. Rahna wanted to believe that we were in a prison called the Chateau d'If and that someday, we will all make a daring escape from it. Nothing like fantasy to pass the time._

_But reality bites._

_One of the wardens saw the vandal and reported it to Vernus. Before anyone could say anything, I admitted to writing the vandal so I was called out front for the "lesson." Everyone was forced to watch me, including Rahna._

_Vernus called be to the center. Circling around me, he taunted, "You want justice? Come and get it!" He gestured to me to attack him._

_I hesitated._

_With one biotic blast, he sent me flying and I crashed on a chair. I got up, lifting my body amongst shattered pieces of wood._

_He taunted me once more._

_This time, I sent the strongest biotic charge that I could, but he was able to block it._

_His turn came once more. This time, he lifted me and threw me to a wall. I felt my arms, my legs, my face, my chest and every part of my body slam on every dimension of the room. I could not count how many times by body slammed onto the floor and walls. When I hit the ground the last time, trying not to drink my own blood on my mouth, Vernus declared, towering above me, "That is true justice."_

_Though my vision was starting to blur, I looked for her among the faces I knew. When I got a glimpse of her face, her beautiful face, it was drenched with tears._

_I could not move at all that night, but I felt someone take my hand. It was Rahna, staring at me with her sad dark eyes. She whispered to me between her sobs, "Trials tell us who people really are. Mine has told me how nice you really are."_

_She held my hand every night ever since that. Well, that was until..._

* * *

><p>03:25<p>

Those numbers flashed on the clock beside my bunk.

It was still night, and Rahna wasn't holding my hand.

Sometimes, memories could make their way into dreams. It has been some time ever since I dreamed of her. Of Rahna.

I crept for the sink because Joker was still asleep. The splash of water on my face woke me up to cold reality. The room was too silent and dark, I couldn't stay there. Not thinking of any particular direction, I walked towards the mess.

There she was: Shepard, wearing standard fatigues, sitting there and reading a book with a glass on one hand. Beside that glass was a bottle of vodka. We haven't spoken much ever since my slip-up on the Citadel. So many things happened after that: leads on Saren, Shepard becoming a Spectre, and the Captain stepping down. And of course, we had more people on the ship...aliens. Aliens who helped us convince the Council about Saren. I am not her only concern. She must have heard me for she looked up as I came in. She asked, "Why are you up so early?"

"Migraine," I answered. "Had one early last night. I had to sleep it off."

"Right," she nodded, and took a sip from her glass.

I sat right across her. "What's your excuse...Ma'am?" _Protocol, Kaidan, protocol._

"Bad dream," she forced a tight smile. "Death, destruction...very apocalyptic. So in my case, sleeping is more exhausting than staying awake."

_You and me both_. But at least she was honest about it. God knows what that beacon had done to her brain. May not be wise to remind her about it. I pointed to her book, "What are you reading?"

She slid the open book down to me. It was quite thick, and it looked rather old since its looked yellow. Hardly anyone reads actual books nowadays, especially when one gets countless electronic sources. I guess I could say that she was a little old-fashioned, a classic. The open page read:

_Pain has an element of blank;  
><em>_It cannot recollect  
><em>_When it began, or if there was  
><em>_A time when it was not.  
><em>_It has no future but itself,  
><em>_Its infinite realms contain  
><em>_Its past, enlightened to perceive  
><em>_New periods of pain._

She must have noticed my confusion when she moved over to my side. "Pain is personified here. I guess this person is saying that sometimes, pain can be so overwhelming that it defines one's life, and one's identity." Her chin rested on one hand. "A person with this kind of pain can see nothing but pain, even in the future." A sigh escaped her lips as she directed her clear blue eyes to me. For just a moment, looking into her eyes, I think I saw a hint of pain. "I do not like pain at all."

I sat there observing her. It was the first time I noticed her long brown tresses, shining under the light, framing her face. There was much worry on the contours of her face, no matter how much she tried to hide it. "Are you worried about...?"

I did not finish my sentence, but she understood my question. She nodded slowly.

I knew it. Despite everything, she respected the Council. Yes, she did criticize them, but she did so with respect. I needed to let her know that she's not the only one worried about everything and that she was not alone. I just had to say something, to say something that she would not admit. "Off the record, I think there is something wrong here. This Saren is looking for records of some kind of galactic extinction, but we can't get back-up from the Council?" At this point, her eyes were trained to me. It felt reassuring when she nodded again. "Sorry, Commander. There's writing on the wall here, but someone isn't reading it."

_That felt good._

She took a swig. "The Council don't want to believe anything's wrong. I'd call it human nature, but..."

"I hear you." It's was good to know that I'm not the only one who tends to trail off. "It just seems like a group that's been around as long as the Council should see this coming." Of course, they should.

I had watched old vids as a kid. Films where humans went into space, going to places no man has ever been before. Often, heroes met those planets' residents who were either civilized and sometimes more technologically advanced, or savage. But I bet those who wrote those films had never imagined anything like those in the Council. No one knew how aliens much hold the mirror to us humans. I just had to laugh. "It's funny," I continued. "We finally get out here, and the final frontier is already settled. And the residents don't even seem to be impressed by the view. Or the dangers."

At this, she smiled. "Well, well. You're a romantic." Her eyes glistened. "Did you sign up for 'the dream,' Alenko? Secure a man's future in space?"

"Yeah," I admitted, shaking my head sheepishly. "I read a lot of those books when I was kid. Where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves."A mischievous grin formed on her lips. I must have sounded too romantic. "You know, for justice."

_Yeah, justice._

She said nothing. Her eyes looked at me intently, obviously wanting me to continue.

"Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning, but I thought about it after Brain Camp—"

She threw me a questioning look. "Brain camp?"

"Ah, sorry, 'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance training.'" I bit my lip. Some old habits die hard. "I'm not looking for the dream." I explained. "I just want to do some good, see what's out here. Sorry if I got too informal. Protocol wasn't a big focus back in BAaT."

She leaned closer. "Tell me about it."

I leaned back, meeting her inquisitive eyes, I explained. "Biotic Acclimation and Temperance didn't last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was Brain Camp."

She snickered. "Hauled in? You make it sound like a Foucauldian prison."

_Right_. "Sorry, 'hauled in' is unkind. We were 'encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.'" At least that was how they put it, officially. "There are worse results of accidental exposure to element zero in the womb—beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with."

Her arms crossed. "Hmm...Is there some question on how you were exposed?"

"My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics, a little after the discovery of the Martian ruins. It only gets iffy around '63 was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they'd relied on accidentals." I sighed. "Bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you're out on Jump Zero."

_I remembered how they got me. Two men in suits, waiting on the porch right after the bus dropped me off from school. My Dad telling me to hurry and pack up, throwing me his don't- ask-questions- just-do- it look. My mother fighting her tears as the car I was on pulled away..._

She arched an eyebrow. "You know of any intentional exposures for certain?"

I shrugged. "No one knows. Doesn't mean they didn't happen. As big as the exposures were, it was hard to track down accidentals. It was different then. No one knew the potential, so there wasn't a lot of regulation. Anything Conatix did was gold." I bit my lip again. "I'm not saying they intentionally detonated drives over our outposts. But in retrospect, they were damn quick on the scene."

"There were other kids on the same boat, right?" she asked, her hand brushing though the long threads of her hair. "At least you weren't alone out there."

"That's true." I smiled, remembering good times and friends long gone. "We did have a little circle that'd get together every night before lights-out. We didn't have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks."

She flashed me a naughty grin. "You were teenagers. I'm sure you found _other_ ways to occupy the time."

I shook my head. "I'm not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander. Not lightly, anyway." Hell, even with just that suggestion, I could hear the alarm bells of my mother's voice ringing in my head, _Etchi! Etchi!_ But of course...

"There was a girl I spent a lot of time with," I admitted. "But we kept our clothes on. Rahna."

_Rahna._

"She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it." I looked at her blue eyes directly. "Like you, I guess. Ma'am."

She crossed her arms again, and arched an eyebrow.

_She didn't believe me._

"Sounds like she was special to you," she observed.

"She was." I admitted. When I said those words, I felt a sharp pang inside me. After all these years, it still hurts, a little. _Pain has an element of blank._ "Maybe she felt the same, but...Things never fell together. Training. You know."

She nodded, sympathetically. "Jump Zero is Gagarin Station, right? What's it like?"

"Yeah, that's the official name. Biggest and farthest facility we had for decades. Right on the termination shock, the outer edge of the solar system. It's where they did all the goose chase FTL research. Before we caught on to using mass effect fields. It was a sterile research platform when I was there."

"Seems like a long way from home." She commented. "What's it like?"

"The grand gateway to humanity looks a lot better in the vids." There are just some places that you wouldn't want to go back to, to remember. I shook my head again. "Anyway, I didn't want to distract you from your reading with a bull session that happened years ago."

She smiled again. It was a sweet smile. "It's a welcome distraction. Besides, I prefer reading people more than books. And you, Alenko, are a very hard man to read."

_So are you, Shepard. So are you._

For some time, I could not exactly remember how long, we just sat there gazing at each other. In an effort to distract myself from her, I suddenly found myself flicking through her book. She peered through the page I opened. "Oh, Neruda." She stared at me, expecting me to read. Good thing, as I would learn later, the thing was iambic and I got the rhythm right.

_By night, Love, tie your heart to mine, and the two  
><em>_together in their sleep will defeat the darkness  
><em>_like a double drum in the forest, pounding  
><em>_against the thick wall of wet leaves.  
><em>_Night travel: black flame of sleep  
><em>_that snips the threads of the earth's grapes,  
><em>_punctual as a headlong train that would haul  
><em>_shadows and cold rocks, endlessly.  
><em>_Because of this, Love, tie me to a purer motion,  
><em>_to the constancy that beats in your chest  
><em>_with the wings of a swan underwater,  
><em>_so that our sleep might answer all the sky's  
><em>_starry questions with a single key,  
><em>_with a single door the shadows had closed._

I was not exactly sure of what I did, but she sat there, her clear blue eyes piercing me, honestly puzzled, that I wish I could tell what she was thinking at that moment. I asked, breaking the silence, "You, uh, make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?"

"No," she admitted, shaking her head, her voice sounding a little surprised. "No, I don't."

Before I could throw in another question, the mess sergeant came in, opening all the lights. Recognizing Shepard, he greeted, "Mornin' Ma'am."

Shepard nodded in recognition. Getting up, to me, she said, "We'll talk later, Kaidan."

_Kaidan._

The sound of my name didn't sound half as nice as that time when she first pronounced it.

_I'd like that._


	7. The Visit

**Chapter 7**

**The Visit**

_Present day_

Months have passed since Shepard's funeral. Been doing a lot since. I know I have to keep myself busy, just so I wouldn't…well, I do not want to think about that. A lot of it was classified anyway. Hell, I am not even sure if THEY check private files.

Received a visit from an old friend recently—Liara. No matter how many times we were jealous of Shepard, we did share some things. We sat on a small Presidium café. Talking about our fond memories of the Normandy and Shepard.

"You're not exactly the nicest human to me Commander." She said that in response to my mention of our first few interactions in the Normandy. "But I do understand the meaning of jealousy even though I did make my interest in Shepard quite obvious."

"Let me guess: you confronted her." I stipulated.

"I just had to awkwardly admit my feelings during one conversation."

"How did that go?"

"She let me down easily, and told me that her interest in someone else. We do know who that is." She smiled at me, betraying no a sign of unease.

"But why me?"

"No idea. But does it matter anyway?"

"I guess not."

Wordlessly, she reached for Shepard's poetry book, which sat on one side of the table. Flipping through its yellowing pages, she stopped and pointed at a page I previously read to Shepard. The memory of that night came back to me as if it just happened.

"She lost her parents at a young age. Her coping mechanism to her subsequent identity crisis caused her to play many parts—the overachieving trainee, the survivor and the unwitting leader. Her feelings for you made her question all those roles, aside from you being an attractive human male."

"How do you know this?"

Her lips widened into a confident smile. "Humans, no matter how hard they are to understand, are like dig sites. Once one digs deep enough, one can discover many things."

"With all that digging, I am surprised you haven't discovered a dinosaur on Therum."

"Once I did find the remains of a—" she stopped herself. At least she's improving. "Was that a joke?"

I shrugged and smiled. "Maybe."

"Finding a dinosaur is irrelevant right now. Or anything that could help stop the Reapers. Not without Shepard."

I nodded.

"Not everyone could see through Shepard's barriers, but I believe you did. And you did it without any mind meld."

Shepard had her barriers. I had mine. Maybe that was what made us understand each other. I don't know. Perhaps I'll never know.

Liara and I talked a little while longer. When the rain started pouring, she decided that it was time to go. Before getting up from her seat, she asked. "If you knew that you would be able to something, anything that could bring Shepard back, would you do it?"

I paused for a bit, my eyes meeting her anxious eyes. I had thought of the question before, and I had always thought that my answer would always be a resounding "yes." "Perhaps," I replied.

"What if that something would involve something terrible? Would you still do it?"

Yes! Yes! Yes! But my conscience stopped me.

"Maybe."

Liara darkly nodded her head. "I think I would."

She did not say goodbye. I did not hear her footsteps as she disappeared into the stormy night.


	8. Idle Ceremony

**Chapter 8**

**Idle Ceremony**

The Normandy changed when Liara came. Liara was intuitive in her own way, and smart. Though everyone was suspicious of her as Benezia's daughter, but what got my attention were rumors concerning her and Shepard. Because the two seemed to have a "meeting of minds," many assumed a meeting of something else as well. It entirely changed the tone of Shepard's debriefs.

The Normandy wasn't all too big. Shepard's quarters also functioned as her office. The first time I entered it, to be it looked like a standard military office with a bed. On the wall, one could see framed pictures of her in various military ceremonies and medals. There were no family pictures. There was nothing distinctive about Shepard's quarters save a few old books on the shelf and a box beside her table marked "Donations." It contained random items such as a miniature ship and some clothes. When I came in, Shepard was watching an old movie. The monitor was a bit moved to a side angle so I could see it a bit. I could not tell what it was, but the actors seemed to be wearing crude medieval costumes. Of course my presence made her pause the vid and turn her chair to face me. She was wearing her Alliance uniform. The blue tailored suit, thought it matched the color of her eyes, made her look a bit more masculine. At that time, it seemed odd to me since we were not seeing anybody important. Her posture and facial expression gave a tone of formality.

I have always been used to protocol, but that made me a little nervous. "You wanted to see me Commander?"

"Yes I do," she replied taking out a stylus and a notepad. Her hand gestured me to the seat on the side of her table. "Debrief. Nothing personal."

"Of course."

"What's your opinion on the last mission?"

"You mean 'what do I think about Dr. T'soni?'"

There was silence for a few moments, but her formal expression remained unchanged. I must have hit something. "I meant to ask that a little later, but go ahead."

"She seems nice enough, I mean, if you prefer the bookish sort."

I must have sounded a little defensive there, because she raised an eyebrow. "Any intentions there Lieutenant?"

Of course there weren't, but I knew that I could not make that too obvious. "None Commander, I prefer adventurous women."

My answer seemed to make her a bit more relaxed, because she leaned back after that with crossed her arms. "Should I be concerned about that?"

"Maybe, that is if I loved you, Ma'am."

She bit her lip. Her blue iridescent eyes blankly stared at me.

"Professionally, that is."

"Hmm."

Though I did not admit my feelings for her, it was as if I did. After a few moments of awkward silence, I nervously hinted my desire for a hasty exit and I was dismissed. Before her door closed, I heard her frustrated whisper, "What art thou idol ceremony?"

Because I could not understand those last words, I needed a translator. Thankfully, Ash was good at that. It was easy to find her in near weaponry. She immediately gave me what I needed after bribing her with a promise of a pint once we get back to the Citadel.

"Shakespeare, Henry the Fifth," she confidently uttered while polishing a rifle. "'For, though I speak it to you, I think the king is but a man…though his affections are higher mounted than ours, yet, when they stoop, they stoop with the like wing.'

My confusion seemed obvious. She explained that Shepard was quoting a king from a Shakespearean play. In the scene where the quote comes from, Henry, the eponymous king, disguises as a common soldier. In his disguise, he takes the opportunity to converse equally with his soldiers, and reflects on his roles as a king. Henry reasons that kings are similar to ordinary men, except for ceremony. Ceremony, in the context of the play, involves tradition and roles. In quoting "idol ceremony," Ashley concluded that Shepard was reflecting on roles and procedures, as if she were playing the part of a monarch in this ship. Interesting comparison. I wonder where she got all that.

"What does that got to do with me?"

I knew by the knowing look she had that she knew, but would not tell me. "You decide."

I think I knew it, but to me it just wasn't possible. "Well, sometimes I feel that she has too much on her shoulders. Saren. The Geth. Mankind's status in the galactic society. I am a little worried that she might be setting herself up for something."

"If it bothers you, why don't you go back and talk to her?"

"When I'm with her, I can't seem to say anything right."

"Sometimes, Romeo, it is not what you say that matters."

* * *

><p>It was Liara and Ashley who mostly accompanied Shepard on Feros. I couldn't find the time I needed to just be with her. Like the rest, I was on the ship, weapons ready, expecting the worst as the deranged colonists clawed their way in. We were fine, but I missed Shepard. I heard about what happened. She, Ashley and Liara got the Cipher and saved most of the colonists, but a boy was killed in the crossfire.<p>

When she got back, I could not stop thinking about her. Yes, I met her along with the others on the debriefing room, but it was not the same. When I met her eyes, she only gave me a slight formal nod of acknowledgement. Besides, I was jealously eyeing Liara.

I just had to see her. I barged into Shepard's quarters, but not before taking a brief breath or two. Shepard was lying on her bead reading. The outline of her breasts showed on the oversized shirt she was wearing. Because she wasn't wearing any pants, I had to resist the urge to eye the smooth skin on her legs. As she looked up from what she was reading, I felt a little awkward.

"Sorry, Commander. Now doesn't seem to be a good time."

"No, it's fine," she replied, tossing her book aside. "I am always open to my officers."

Jumping from her bed, she took a thin purple robe from a hanger. As she tied the ropes of her robe, I had an urge to look away. Yes, she was putting more clothes on, but I did not want to exercise and excite any of my observations. I am only human, after all. Yes, human.

Once again, we took our respective places in her office like before: sitting across each other parted by her office desk. It was always meant to be this way.

We sat silently before I began. I wondered if she missed me, but she gave no sign of it. "I, uh, just want to tell you what I think about…our missions so far."

She nodded. "Alright."

Courage, Kaidan, courage. "We, uh, played it pretty close to the book so far. But we're a long way from backup." So far, so good. "We've got some tough calls to make. I'm just saying: try to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do, and I'd hate to have that happen to you Shepard."

Her eyes widened with surprise because of that last word.

Oops. "Commander," I corrected myself but it was too late.

I could swear that I saw a slight smile escape from her lips before she bit it. "That is not the appropriate way to address you commanding officer, Lieutenant."

"Sorry, Ma'am maybe I got a bad signal." A really bad signal. "Maybe there is someone else you'd rather confide in." Like the very sneaky asari doctor on the medbay. At that point, jealousy was boiling. She was, after all, much in Liara's company during that time.

At this point, she could not hide her smile. Shaking her head, she said, "Someone? You are referring to our _young_ Prothean expert." A pun was obviously intended.

I had to laugh. "I think she is older than both of us put together. But uh, yeah." I paused, trying to avoid her piercing blue eyes. I continued, "There's a lower deck humor that she is interested in you. As more than a source of Prothean data."

A knowing look was on her face, as if she already knew about those rumors.

"She's a very interesting lady. Not to my, uh, tastes. But I never claimed to be big on alien culture."

Her arms crossed while I spoke. "You seem awfully worried about my personal affairs."

"It's just that we don't have that much downtime these days, and I like being around you." I was getting desperate. The slightly amused expression on her face was not helping. I was desperate but honest. "I don's want to take any more of your personal time."

I was about to stand up and leave, but the sound of her hand slamming on the table stopped me. She really knew how to push a stop button. "Look, there's nothing between Liara and me."

Now it was my turn to stare at her, and her turn to look away. Despite her usual poise, her flushed cheeks betrayed her embarassment.

"So, uh, what the real issue here, Kaidan?"

Back to a little bit of informality. I like it. "You're right. I…am not questioning any decision you have made. Let me be clear about that."

She nodded. Seeming to relax a bit, she rolled her chair a bit forward.

"It's just my experience that when someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?"

"You are talking about a particular example, aren't you?"

I told her about the Alliance, Conatix, Vernus, and the decisions they have made. As I explained, she eyed me suspiciously. She argued a bit, about "the end justifying the means," using that to defend Alliance decisions. But when I described to her how it wasn't the best for us who fell under that decision, she seemed to understand. I concluded, "The point of all this—I guess—is when you cut corners, it is not always obvious who pays for it."

I realized that I was just advising a superior officer, but she took it well. "So why are you telling me this? Is there something I could do to help you get over it?"

"I'm thirty-two, Shepard. You don't serve as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself." I tried not to make it sound like an advice from an older officer. Though she was a few years younger than me, she was still my commanding officer. "You also learn that when someone is special to you, you help them, try to keep them from making mistakes"

"Special?" Her confused eyes desperately sought for mine.

"If I'm out of line, just say the word."

She shook her head. "You're not out of line Kaidan, but there are regs."

"I get you, Shepard. I don't make a habit of complicating the chain of command. Just think about what I said."

She nodded. "Thank you." Her hand seemed to instinctively reach for mine on the table. That was the first time we held hands.

Supplies came to Feros, the morning we were about to leave. The boy who was killed in the crossfire was buried the day before. No one had any flowers to lie on the boy's grave as flowers were in very short supply. That morning, I found Shepard standing over the boy's grave, placing a packet of candies over it. That packet most likely came from the supply we got.

"I don't have any flowers," she said. "But as least I could save him some chocolate."


	9. First Dates

**Chapter 9**

**First Dates**

_Present day_

One cannot avoid glaring lights and amusing odors when one enters clubs. I shoved my way through a sea of people cheering, laughing and dancing. Alcohol, after all, has been invented to make people loose. My friend, I believe, has decided to use it to make me fall in love or at least get me drunk enough to make love to someone.

My friend waved at me from the bar. I had known him once in one of the previous ships I served in. But at first glace, one would probably not suspect him for a biotic: he was, like me, in his 30s, heavily built and unlike me, was very charming especially when it came to the opposite sex.

By the time I made my way through to him, he has already gotten me a beer. I shouted against the blaring music, "Will she be here?"

He shouted back into my ear, "She'll be here. I believe she's stuck in traffic."

A nod was enough for a reply. Sipping my glass, my eyes scanned the women and asari dancing around. I could say that I found several of them attractive. I wish I could say the same for quarians if I could only see their faces. From a pole, about a meter across me, dancing asari winked at me as she wrapped one leg on the pole.

In a few minutes, I was introduced to a lovely redhead called Rianna. She had nice eyes, and a lovely supermodel-like body that one would hardly believe that she was a doctor. My friend found us a slightly secluded alcove where the music was less intense. Afterwards, he disappeared into the crowd.

She was the one who broke the silence. "So you're with the Alliance?"

I nodded.

"Why are you currently stationed here?"

"It's classified."

"Ooh, I like men with secrets," she huskily whispered.

I smiled back. "So you're a doctor?"

"Uh-huh, I'm a radiologist."

"Right."

There was silence again. Unfortunately, thinking of longer replies to strangers' proved taxing to me. Thankfully, she was the type of person who kept asking questions. "So I heard you were with Commander Shepard."

There was a moment of brief panic. How could she have known? I thought only a handful of crew and Anderson knew. My fears were dispelled when she followed it up with a question, "I mean, you were part of Shepard's team who took down Saren and the geth, right?"

"Yes." Whew.

There was excitement in her voice. "Tell me what Commander Shepard was like. Was she as beautiful as others say?"

"I'd rather not talk about the Commander."

I pitied her. She tried her best to get me conversing. Fortunately, she managed to be successful in picking promising topics that got me into conversing a little bit more: biotics, implants and other ships I served in before the Normandy. She was alright.

I walked her home. She invited me inside, but I politely refused. I wasn't ready.

"Let's do this again," she suggested.

"Yeah," was my automatic reply.

We stood looking at each other. I expected her to open the door and walk inside. She expected me to do something else. Thankfully, after about a minute, she had the good sense to say goodbye and to go inside. I forgot to get her number.

Yes, that was bad.

I went on home alone as I always do. Dimmed lights were enough to guide my way around my little unit. I ignored the flashing machine on my side table. I was not really in the mood to answer messages. The shouting couple in the next unit did not bother me at all. I made my way towards the bed. Soon, the rhythms of my current life will fade in the darkness. When I turn off all the lights, the night will summon back all pleasant memories.

The Normandy was refueling, and Adams was doing some maintenance checks. That day, most of the crew and officers had the day off, me and Shepard included. Early that morning, I spied Shepard walking towards the elevator in her armor on and with her helmet in her arm.

I caught up with her. "Where are you going?"

"Mindoir," she replied casually.

Right.

"I heard that Mt K2 has a large platinum deposit. Care to tag along?"

"I'll suit up."

"That's not an order, you know."

"I know."

"Meet me downstairs in ten minutes."

It sure wasn't an order, but I did exactly as I was told. In less than twenty minutes, we were in the shuttle with Joker. The shuttle was big enough to carry the Mako, I noticed that the Mako was not in it. "We aren't taking the Mako?"

"We're walking Alenko," Shepard pointed out. "We won't get that much of a view in the Mako. Joker will drop us a few clicks near the deposit."

Our shuttle descended upon an earthlike atmosphere. It was a cool morning. Joker put us down at the foot of the mountain. "Alright kids," he teased, "I'll meet you on the other side. ETA 12 hours."

A think low-hung fog surrounded us. Because there was oxygen, we removed our helmets, but we decided to keep it in case the air got thinner up above. We ascended up a steep path. Obviously, someone probably came here before us. There was no sound except save for the light whistle of the wind. But that sound was occasionally broken whenever Shepard started drilling mineral samples with her omni-tool. She also took samples of the various vegetation we encountered. "These look like nettles," she pointed out.

Before I could say a word of warning, she removed her gloves and touched it. She quickly pulled her hand back, but the damage was done. Soon, she was biting her lip in pain. She forced a smile. "What do you know? These are nettles. Wait till I give Chakwas a sample of this."

I took her hand. There were visible bumps on her fingers. Thankfully, I had something in my pack marked "For Human Skin Irritations." As I applied the lotion on the irritated part of her hand, she winced a bit, but did not show almost any other reaction to the sting. As my hand caressed hers, I found myself quoting a bit of verse, "Out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safely."

At this, her deep blue eyes met mine.

"I, uh, only got to that part."

She smiled, her eyes, still meeting my gaze. I did not know how long we stood gazing at each other this way. Something was supposed to have happened, but didn't. Gently pulling her hand from mine, she uttered her thanks and proceeded up the path. The nettles were forgotten.

We crossed a stream, and tried not to get our boots too wet. The fog cleared as we got further up the slope. The mountain gave as a clear view of a valley, a large river, and another mountain across it. We decided to stop awhile on a nearby tree. The grass was a little damp but we sat on it, stealing occasional glances on each other. I enjoyed watching her as she wistfully thumbed through the loose hair coming out of her bun.

As much as I admired all the views I had seen so far, I came because I wanted to talk. As soon as I gathered enough courage, I cleared my throat. Perhaps noticing my intentions, she leaned forward towards me.

"So, do you regret coming with me this time?" she playfully asked. "After all, I did make you walk six miles up, and we still have a few miles to go before we reach the top, and the pick-up point."

"No, I enjoy seeing the galaxy with you. Besides, it's your home."

"It used to be." She tossed me a scope and pointed to a valley and some hills to our right. "The place I used to live is only a few miles from those hills." There were remains…of a town.

"I used to look at this mountain from my window, and wish that someday, I would be old enough to climb and explore this mountain. I thought fairies used to live up here because it was usually foggy." She sighed. Smiling, she rested her face on one hand. "The stories we invent as children to make everything beautiful. I was a romantic too Kaidan."

"I get that. But we're not along there though. Almost every race in the galaxy could make stories that will keep them comfortable and keep them in denial of whatever disaster that's coming.

"Wanting to believe that everything will be fine?" she observed, "Sounds like human nature to me."

"Yeah, I guess some things carry across species well enough." Without remembering how I got to it, I told her about Vernus. I think it was because she knew how to ask the right questions, questions that for a long time, I haven't thought about answering. We turned from a discussion of her tragedy to mine. I told her how I snapped when he broke Rhanna's arm. Everything came back to me as I told the story: how Vernus got a knife, and how I sent the biotic kick that broke his neck. As I told my story, I remembered everything clearly.

She seemed to have felt the pain in my words. I felt her hands taking mine. Her eyes earnestly searched for mine though I tried to avoid her gaze. She said, "You wanted to help a girl you cared for. That's a noble thing."

I killed Vernus. That wasn't noble. And no matter how bad it ended for Vernus, even until now, I could not tell who got the worst of it. I continued telling her how BaAT training closed after that, and how Rhanna was terrified of me after what happened. Even talking about her, I remembered how she would look at me and run away. After what happened, everyone I knew stayed away from me. I remembered how alone I was.

Her voice interrupted my thoughts. "That's why you are so self-controlled."

"I am no more disciplined than any other biotic." I corrected her defensively. "This is all ancient history. I am over it."

"You agonize over doing the right thing, and you never let yourself lose control, because Rhanna spurned you after Vernus died."

She was right. Maybe what happened with Rahna and Vernus was the reason why I never knew how to let anyone in my life in. "Alright. Maybe you have a point. Maybe. But I'm ok. You don't have to worry about me. Fully functional human being here. I won't be a burden on you, on the crew."

"Kaidan, you are a strong man. Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner. It doesn't make you immature. It makes you human."

I looked at her earnest eyes. I noticed her hands we still clutched to mine, as if telling me that she wasn't going anywhere, that she wasn't going to run away. "Alright, but it's embarrassing you have to tell me that. You're right. I may need to loosen up a little: I'll try."

"I wouldn't worry so much. Being human is hard for everyone."

At that point, I felt her head leaning against my shoulder. Though I may have trouble letting people into my life, at least I can let her come close.

"Glad you'll be here when it's over. I'm looking forward to some shore leave."

"Where are you going?"

"Anywhere you will be."

"We can actually have some of that shore leave right now."

"How?"

"See that rocky area over there?"

Her finger pointed to a steep rocky section. Since it drizzled a bit when we landed, the rocks were still wet and most likely slippery.

"That's the easiest way to the top," she pointed out. "I need you to lift me up to that ledge so I can pull you up."

"Wouldn't that be..."

"Dangerous? Hell, yes. But sometimes staying on the safe side doesn't get you anywhere."

I did as I was asked, and lifted her slowly. But by some light miscalculation I accidentally landed her ass-first on the top. She let out a joyful scream and then a peal of laughter.

"Sorry!" I called out. "You okay?"

"Yeah! Thanks for the lift."

Within a couple of minutes, she let down a rope and pulled me up.

As my feet landed on the ledge, I looked down and noticed that we were above the clouds. Below the thin white clouds, we saw valleys, mountains and even the sea beyond. The sun shone upon her radiant hair. Under the sunlight, she was a goddess.

She didn't say anything except a breezy, "I am glad we came up here."

The sun was setting when we started our trek downwards. The path down was much steeper. She slipped when she stepped on a loose rock. I managed to catch her by the arm in time. Then I had an idea. She only needed to trust me. As if reading my mind, she placed her arms around my neck and gave me a nod of trust. I jumped down biotically with her in my arms. It was great that I knew how to fall in style. I wasn't everyday that I got the opportunity to show off to her. As a result, we got to our pick up point sooner than expected.

When I got her down, she said, "Thanks Alenko, but I do not want to make a habit of this."

"Of what?"

"Falling into you."

I smiled. "Maybe I don't mind it at all."

Joker arrived five minutes after we radioed him. The shuttle soared through the planet's golden clouds. We watched the planet shrink into a small sphere. In an hour, we docked at the Normandy.

"I had fun today," she said as we got off the shuttle. "Thanks for allowing me to kidnap you." She left with a breezy, "See you around."

Joker peeked his head out the shuttle window. "Tell me you've finally done it."

I raised an eyebrow. "Done what?"

"You know…"

"Nothing happened."

"Shit!"

"What?"

"That means I lost fifty credits to Williams."

"That's life Joker."

"It sucks."

Not to me it didn't. Because we did more than that.


	10. Birthday

**Chapter 9**

**Birthday**

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

-Fleetwood Mac

The C-Sec docking bay was busier than usual that morning though there was no air traffic. On one side of Bay 57, the one nearer the elevator, there were some gossipy dock officials trying to push their way through the C-sec officers blocking their way and a couple reporters who managed to get up the platform despite the security, trying to take vids of the event on the other side. On the other side, was a woman or a girl—no one could tell her age—pointing a gun at another: Shepard. The standoff took quite some time. Shepard calmly said a few words while the trembling girl shouted threats. Because of the various noises—the clamour of people and roaring ship engines—no one could seem to understand or hear the words uttered by either Shepard or the girl. As they talked, Shepard gently inched her way towards the girl. When she was close enough, she allowed the girl to take something from her hand—a pill—a pill that the girl swallowed. Soon, the girl's legs began to wallow and she fell into Shepard's arms, asleep.

The crowd roared as Shepard walked to the other side, carrying the girl. As she slid the sleeping girl into Lt Girard's arms, she softly said, "She wants to get better." There was a gentleness and a sort of kinship at the way she looked at the girl; the way that one looks at one's self in the mirror. Reporters flashed pictures of it. Making her way towards the reporters, she held up her hand and formally said, "The matter has been resolved. Please do not bother the traumatized victim." The small sea of people was silent almost in awe, but they cleared a path for us and Shepard as we headed towards the elevator.

No one said a word during the slightly crowded elevator ride. The only thing that one could hear is the old melancholy song from the speakers:

_Well, I've been afraid of changing_  
><em>'Cause I've built my life around you<em>  
><em>But time makes you bolder<em>  
><em>Even children get older and<em>  
><em>I'm getting older too<em>  
><em>Oh, I'm getting older too.<em>

Perhaps she was thinking of her lost family or the others who died around her. I knew because despite the steely expression on her face, there was a glint of sadness in her eye that seemed to speak of something that was lost.

After some heated discussions with the Council, Shepard decided that we should take a walk down the Presidium to cool our jets. Just a few meters down from the Emporium, we saw a tea rose bush with its flowers in full bloom being warmed by an artificial sun. Shepard smiled upon seeing it.

"I have never seen one of these in years," she said. "Williams, what is the current date on earth?"

"April 23, Ma'am," she answered.

She looked happy, but there was that glint of sadness in her sapphire eyes again.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" Tali asked. It appears that I am not the only one who seemed to notice.

She did not answer the question except with a firm, "Move out."

No one saw Shepard at dinner that night. I checked the logs. According to the VI, she had gone out. I decided to head out and find her. Sure, I knew that she could take care of herself, but I was worried.

It did not take me long to find her. She was sitting on a bench near the Emporium where the rosebush was. She was still wearing her armor. Traces of tears were on her cheeks. When she saw me, I think she tried to rub off all the evidence away. I took the seat beside her.

After a few silent moments, I asked, "Any sign of rainclouds?"

She smiled. "A little rain isn't going to kill me."

"Then I don't mind getting a little damp."

A passing turian who heard our brief exchange looked up to the sky and shook his head. The night-sky was clear, showing every star, every system, and every constellation—a map of our universe. We stifled giggles as the turian gave us a strange look before moving on.

When our little euphoria died down, she said, "It's not all gloom and rainclouds. There are bits of sunshine in it too."

"Let's hear it then." By this time, I had already leaned back on my seat and fixed my eyes on her. She returned the gaze as if to tell me that she wasn't afraid.

She continued, "My father wasn't really my actual father. No one knew who he was, not even my Mom. She was an artist back on Earth. She said there were many months and weeks that she couldn't remember. She didn't even remember when she gave birth to me, only that she was very happy then and that on her hospital window, the roses were in full bloom. Wandering the galaxy with me in tow, she met my father who loved her and decided to give us both his name. Because of that, I believe she loved him too. Because no one knew the exact date of my birth, my father planted tea roses in our garden, and we three celebrated my birthday whenever they were in full bloom. I think we used to celebrate it for days. He wasn't my father you see, but he was damn proud of me as if I were his real daughter."

"So let me get this straight—April 11 is not your real birthday?" I interrupted her.

"April 11 is the date my mother put in just to give me one on official records." She raised an eyebrow and looked at me suspiciously.

"What?" I asked defensively. "It's all in the extranet."

"The extranet is not a reliable source," she replied with a naughty grin. "Lieutenant, you should have gotten your data from a more reliable source."

"Next time I will if my source doesn't object to it."

"I am sure she would be completely cooperative."

At that point I was completely aware of how literally close our bodies were to each other. I didn't have to reach out to free her silky hair from its light bun or smell her summery scent. Her full plumlike lips were there, inviting me. We were like two asteroids on collision courses, but we were still light-years away from a full collision.

I tried to remember what exactly we did on April 11. For the past month, we dealt with biotic extremists, privateers, Cerberus thugs and batarian extremists on Asteroid X57. Not a lot of people remembered dates, probably not even Shepard, because the day that mattered to us all was the day we finally stop Saren. I remember the last incident though. When Balak gave made her choose between the lives of the colonists or his capture, she chose the first but not without trying to accomplish both. After we had disabled the bombs, I remember the desperate chase she made, but it was too late. The batarians had taken off. On the Mako, she ordered us to fire on ships that were already out of range. In her anger, it took a few minutes for her to realize that they were gone. As we headed back to the colony, she softly told me, "I wish I could have saved one more from him." When I tried telling her that she already did just that, she told me that it was not enough. I knew her reasons were personal, pointing to deep old wounds.

She continued, "The day the batarians came, the rosebuds were already coming out but father told me to wait. Mom was digitally enhancing one of our family vids. It was a warm sunny day, but every day was the same for the kids at my school. I didn't know why they hated me and were always after me. So like any other day, I hid from them. That day specifically, I chose to hide under a loose floorboard. I remember expecting them to come for me, but then I heard frightened screams—their screams. There was the smell of burnt flesh and then more screams, this time, screams of intense pain. I didn't know how long I stayed under there. Time seemed to pass slowly, and I fell into a deep sleep. By the time I woke up, I was already in a hospital in another system where I was told that my parents and my home were no more."

Small teardrops made their way down her pale cheeks. I wanted to brush my hand on and tell her that everything is alright. But she turned away.

"I escaped from my first foster home. I wanted to go back to my own home to see that it was really gone. With the little money that I had, I managed to get on a ship back to Mindoir. The place that I got back to was only a burnt skeleton of its former self and all that was left of Father's roses were ashes. I remember lying on the hollow ashen floor staring up at the stars. It was only then that I realized that I had no more roof over my head. In the morning, people found me and I was taken to another home."

"I moved from place to place from that time on. I had no money to pay my way through higher education, but I wanted to do something with my life. So I enlisted. The rest is history."

I wanted to take her in my arms, but she stopped me with her hand and stood up. "I do not want your pity Kaidan. Like you, this is what makes me human." She stood silently for a few moments with her back turned towards me. I couldn't see if she was crying or not. I think she was. "I just need to me alone."

I let her walk away.

I couldn't sleep that night, because I had to do something. Joker turned on his bed and grumbled when he heard me turn on my terminal. Knowing that we were leaving in two days and that the flowers I was looking for were rare and artificially maintained in the Citadel, I ordered tea roses from every extranet site I could find. That enabled to rest, at least for a bit.

By 0900 hours that day, the roses started arriving in massive bouquets and bunches. In a few minutes, Shepard's quarters were filled with them. In a couple of hours, there were flowers from the engineering deck to the CIC. Thank God I didn't order cards or gave a name with them.

Ashley was smelling a rose when she entered the mess with Tali and Garrus. Ashley held the rose to Tali's helmet.

"Smell it," Ashley teased. "It's nice."

"No thank you," replied Tali. "The smell might trigger an allergic reaction."

Ash then turned and extended it to Garrus. Garrus held his arms up. "No please, I am great with guns, not roses."

Ashley giggled.

Garrus shrugged. "What?" He obviously did not get the unconscious reference.

Ashley met my eyes threw me a knowing look. She knew.

Shepard did not come down that day. She found many reasons to keep her above deck. The flowers caused a stir in the CIC. There were talks about who sent it: a charity, the Council or a secret admirer? I kept quiet. I signed onto a terminal several meters from Shepard, but close enough so I could see her. She was busily typing something on hers. In a couple of minutes, I received a couple of messages:

ShepardA: I am sorry about yesterday. ShepardA: Thanks for the roses.

I spied her from across the room. She was smiling at me. Of course, I had to reply.

AlenkoK: You're welcome.

AlenkoK: Happy birthday.

I looked up again. This time she was typing, before she met my eyes again.

ShepardA: It's past my birthday already. Global warming on Earth has moved the season for roses a few months back.

There was childlike honesty in her sapphire eyes that spoke of unspoken pain. If we weren"t where we were at that moment, I would have impulsively taken her into my arms. A reply was the only thing I could give her.

AlenkoK: I don't care. In season or off-season, I will always remember you whenever I see roses.

I meant every word. She just stood there with a blank expression staring at her monitor. For a few seconds, I wondered if I should have written such a reply.

Pressly happened to walk by her. He stopped when he saw Shepard's face. "Commander, are you alright?" he asked with much concern in his voice.

"Yes, I am perfectly fine."

"Then why are you crying?"

I did not see her tears, because I regrettably signed onto a terminal that is far from Shepard's. Trying to maintain a little bit of the poise that she always had, she wiped traces of tears in her eyes and flashed Pressly a sweet smile. "It's my birthday, Pressly."

Several heads turned towards Shepard. Pressly looked confused. Shepard patted him on the shoulder and smiled again at me. Everyone watched as she slowly walked towards the cockpit and as she took the comm from Joker. Her strong voice resounded on the speakers:

"Crew: report to Flux at exactly 2000 hours. Drinks are on me."

A collective cheer resounded on the CIC, but all that mattered to me was that she was happy. Someday, I hoped that she would stop grieving. I had hoped that when that day comes, she would see me.


	11. Sisters

**Chapter 11**

**Sisters**

The relentless blizzard was fierce outside, no matter how strong the glass window of the team's rented suite was, we could still feel its rage from the inside. Across the room, Shepard examined several rifles being handed down to her by the requisitions officer, her figure showing in the dark onyx armor that she wore. I caught her gaze for a few minutes before she pulled away.

The doors to the next room swung open, when I was putting on extra layers on my armor. Liara stepped into the room and approached Shepard.

"Let me come with you," Liara firmly suggested.

"We already have enough biotics with us."

"Another biotic wouldn't hurt," said Wrex from a corner in the room, cocking his shotgun.

"Still a bad idea."

"Why is it a bad idea?" asked Liara.

Shepard placed the sniper rifle she was examining on the table. Her fierce blue eyes stared the young asari down, but Liara wasn't afraid. "I will not put you in a situation where you will be forced to kill your own mother."

"It is my choice." She looked almost as if she would come whether Shepard allows her or not.

"I think you have to let her go Commander," I suggested.

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Very well."

In about an hour, after shooting down some geth in the garage, we were racing to Peak 15 in the Mako. The raging winds knocked against the metal.

"You could still change your mind," Shepard told Liara while keeping her eyes on the almost invisible terrain.

But Liara was determined, her eyes focused on the emptiness ahead.

About 33 hours later, the wind died. Snowflakes fell as if they were small teardrops from the sky. In a distance one could still hear slight cadences of Rachni songs fading as the Mako slowly laboured through the thick snow. The Mako's occupants inside slumped on their chairs, exhausted from fighting rachni and asari commandos, and tired from lack of sleep.

On a long bench, a body was laid with a white cloth over it. We were going to give the Matriarch a proper burial. Liara caressed the stiff blue hand under the covers. Though tired from weeping, her eyes and cheeks were still drenched with tears.

Shepard wordlessly sat beside Liara, her arm draped protectively around Liara. The latter rested her weary head on Shepard's shoulder pads. Shepard met my eyes for a minute, perhaps wondering if I was a bit jealous.

I wasn't.

She started humming, softly. I didn't know the tune but it sounded like a melancholy lullaby. Liara joined in unison, clinging to her like a little child.

Sometimes, we are always children when it comes to our mothers.

After the debrief, I got another migraine probably triggered by that sleepless night we had on Peak 15. Chakwas gave me some painkillers and ordered an early night for me. When I woke up, the clock on my headboard flashed 4:00.

With frequent migraines, waking up early has almost become a habit. I opened the door slightly. There was light outside on the mess. There were voices, hushed voices. One of them belonged to Shepard, and the other one from Liara. I peeked through the slight crack on the door: Shepard and Liara were sitting across each other on one table. My view wasn't that good.

"How did you know that lullaby?" Liara asked.

"You always hum that tune whenever you're in a good mood," Shepard casually replied. "Now I know what it really is."

For a moment, they were silent. Liara looked at Shepard uneasily. "Shepard, that time we joined our minds, I saw something I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry. It was my fault. It was my fault for burying it too deeply. In a way, you reminded me—reminded me that I had to deal with it."

"I had no idea. I had no idea how painful it really is until…"

"I know." She paused. "I can't imagine how hard it must be. I didn't see my parents when they… So to me, I feel that some part of them are still alive."

"I think I would prefer to remember her that way. Before Saren…I really thought that it would be easier than this. But it doesn't matter. At least I know that she loved me. Thank you, Shepard."

"Must have been hard being a Matriarch's daughter. To be always alone…"

"I love being alone."

"But that doesn't mean that you chose it."

"I did choose it, eventually."

"Liara, you know that you're not always alone."

"I know."

"I'm here." She gently took Liara's hand. "I may not be able to feel for you what you said you feel for me, but I know I will always love you as a sister."

"We are two different species."

"I know. But despite that—" She drew her chair back, stood up and raised a hand as if swearing an oath. "I swear: I always pester you about cleaning your desk and the mess you always make whenever you get those "Aha! Prothean!" moments. And I will always hate your future boyfriends and screen your dates."

"I should be the one doing those," Liara protested. "After all, I am 77 years older than you."

"As an asari, you did say that you are a little more than teenager. Whereas I am an adult woman. Therefore, I get the right to boss you around."

"I am still older than you."

"I am prettier that you. Older sisters are always prettier, so I've heard." She smiled.

"I won't worry. In a decade or two, I'll earn that privilege since you humans enter your matron days faster, and therefore get uglier faster. Uh, no offence."

"Not if I get plastic surgery."

They both laughed.

"I am not really looking for a protector. But, thank you. Just promise me one thing, Shepard, if something happens that will make you choose to save me or Lieutenant Alenko, don't hesitate to save him. I know how much you—"

I think I flinched a bit. It is always awkward to be the subject of a conversation that one overhears. I must have done something to make the door magically slide wide open, revealing the surprised looks of the ones outside the door.

Shepard recovered quickly. "You know Lieutenant, spying on your CO merits capital punishment."

"Yes Ma'am." I am an experienced soldier. Running away was not an option, even if I felt like it. Besides, capital punishment didn't turn out to be that bad because I got to do things for her, even though that meant writing Alliance reports in her place.

Liara once told me that without Shepard, our Shepard, her world would stop, even though she knew that Shepard's world would probably keep going without her.

I hope someday, my world will start turning again.


	12. Barriers

**Chapter 12**

**Barriers**

And I've lost who I am

And I can't understand

Why my heart is so broken

Rejecting your love

Without love gone wrong

Lifeless words carry on…

-Trading Yesterday

Gunfire resounded. The main hold of the ship we infiltrated had enough crates to provide us cover. Two rogue biotics emerged at the door on the other side. One of them sent a huge blast that knocked some of crates down. One crate almost got crushed. That was too close. She ran to the nearest pile of crates again. Moving to the side, with the scope on her rifle she spied the two enemies, taking cover behind various cargo.

"Kaidan, take the one on the left." She said on the radio. "Liara, the one on the right."

Another biotic emerged from the door, but she took him down quickly with one shot. That was her. She always preferred to take down her targets cloaked from a distance with guns and tech.

I moved down to the room where my target was. He sent a singularity that almost dragged me in. That was close. But he had no barriers. I charged down the path. Before he could throw another blast, I threw my own that sent him flying to the wall. Dead.

I turned around. Shepard's cloak started fading away. Out of nowhere, another enemy appeared behind Shepard, ready to send a blast her way.

"Shepard look out!" I yelled.

She turned, but it was too late. The strong blast that he sent would have tossed a charging krogan. The crates behind her were blown away, but she wasn't. A barrier around her managed to protect her. In a split second, she pulled her gun on him and fired the shot that killed her stunned enemy.

That could not be.

I looked around for Liara, but she was too far behind to throw that barrier around Shepard. It could only mean one thing.

Liara saw everything but she didn't look surprised. She knew.

"They must be keeping the Chairman on the far side," Shepard said on the comm. "Move out."

I kept quiet. I even took her side when arguing with the extremists. I knew their reasons. Burns was an apathetic bastard, but he had political clout. This is not the way to get us L2s noticed. I think Shepard knew that too. Despite what I just found out, I took Shepard's side. The terrorists all backed down and released Burns. I truly hoped that he saw our side of the story, but I needed to see Shepard's.

I suspiciously eyed her: during the debriefing and the short injury check-up with Chakwas. She avoided my gaze. But I had to know.

Not minding protocol, I followed her to her room. When the door closed behind us, there was a moment of silence. She couldn't even turn to face me.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, suppressing the anger in my voice.

"You didn't have to know," she stoically replied, as if she had no remorse. "It doesn't matter now does it?"

It still does. To me, it still does. All we've talked about, all we've shared, was it all just a lie?

"If you have nothing more to say Lieutenant, you may leave now."

I left, not because she told me to but because I had to.

In my dreams that night, I saw faces: Rahna's, Vernus' and my mother's as I left her. All of those would not have happened if I had not been what I am. I would not have known her, if I had not been what I am. Despite everything, I still couldn't hate her.

As I stared at the clock bedside that said 3:00, I remembered everything she said. I remembered her story: how she hid from the batarians during the raid. No: she said she hid before the raid. She was afraid of something before the raid.

I just had to know.

I got up again. The mess was empty. Her room was empty as well. Where was she? Did she ever sleep at all?

I headed down to the range. Yes, there was light, gunfire and the sound of thermal clips falling. She was there, shooting the holos being thrown at her. When I entered, she stopped firing. She knew I was there, but she didn't turn to face me. She silently emptied the gun of thermal clips and put it down on the table before her.

"What do you want Lieutenant?" she asked, almost threateningly.

"The truth." I replied, coming towards her.

"This is the truth: I lied. Satisfied?"

"No, ma'am."

Silence.

"Because I need to know. Because I told you my story, I need to know yours."

"Why does it even matter?"

"I think you know why." By this time, I was only a couple of inches behind her.

She stared blankly at an empty corner. "I was lucky today. I didn't expect it to come and save me as it did years ago."

I followed her to the gym in the next room. She sat on a couch near one of the machines. I took the seat beside her.

She continued, "The time you killed Vernus, I was exposed to element zero. I am not sure how it happened. My parents only realized when I started displaying the 'symptoms.'"

I commented, "You make it sound like it was a disease."

"It probably was because my parents kept quiet about it, knowing the stories being told all around about children being taken away from their homes because of it. Some kids were taken away but I wasn't."

She smiled a bit. "I was the biggest nerd of my school. I topped my classes, but I got egged. A lot. Sometimes, I just couldn't take it. One late afternoon, a few days before the raid, got cornered in our schools lab. The boys who were coming after me cornered me in the lab. One of them broke my glasses. Another pulled my skirt and touching me in places that…I shouldn't be touched. I wasn't sure of what was happening, but I sure didn't like what they were doing. So I screamed. When I screamed, something suddenly just came out of me that sent them flying. One of them ran away, but the other one, he hit his head on a table and he…he ended up in intensive care and died a few days later."

"It was self-defense," I pointed out.

"To me it wasn't. I snapped. The boy who got away told everyone. That morning of the raid, I got a threatening note that they coming after me. Apparently the one who got away told several other people. I was afraid. But I wasn't afraid of them. I was afraid of what I would do to them. So that is why I hid that day. You know the rest."

I didn't know what to say. Here was a woman, a girl, who was afraid as I was. As she told her story, she didn't shed a single tear. She flashed the same stoic expression that she always showed to politicians. Was it so painful that she had to bury it all in? I wondered if I should take her in my arms and tell her not to be afraid anymore, because I knew that I always will be there for her. But no, she was pushing me away again just as I was again being drawn to her. Besides, there was protocol.

"Why did you have to keep it from everyone?"

"Because I didn't want to be classified as a biotic. Even after I got my implant. I only got that implant just so I could, you know, keep it in. I didn't want it to interfere with any future assignments or positions. I simply needed to be me, whoever that is to survive. You know how political the Alliance can be with biotics."

She sighed remorsefully. "I should have died long ago. I think I have died so many times that I am not afraid of death anymore. And that is why I get all these visions of death. Reapers. That is probably why the beacon chose me."

"It got me first, remember?"

"No, it was always destined to be me." Involuntarily, she breathed another sigh. Now that you know that I am a gigantic hypocrite, do I still count as human?"

"I think so," I replied. She was who she was because she needed to survive. I think deep inside, I admired and loved that about her. No, she couldn't scare me off now. "I will not run to any kind of cover from you." I slid closer to her. I said, "I'll still be there, you know, when it's all over."

She smiled. "I'm glad. I'm glad." I know that she was trying to scare me away, but despite this, I think deep inside she wanted me to stay with her.

I believe it was almost morning. No one was still around yet. She moved closer to me. She inched her face slowly to give me a light kiss on the cheek. I closed my eyes. I knew I wanted so much more.

Without saying anything else, she walked away. From that time on, I knew I would follow her, even to the edges of space.


	13. Dead Scientists, Dead Soldiers

**A/N: **Changes: Added Content on Ch 4. Edited 5 and the rest to accommodate added story. Added chapters "Dance" and "Dead Scientists."

**Chapter 13**

**Dead Scientists, Dead Soldiers**

The Mako shook as it trudged through the rough terrain. Shepard, Ash and I held onto the railings. By now, we were used to rough terrain. Wrex did not seem to feel anything.

We were on our way to save a scientist—someone who probably knew Shepard at Akuze. Hackett sure knew how to give us missions.

From the time I found out about her unused biotic abilities, she became more open to me. During that Mako ride, she did not mind me asking about Akuze.

"It is as the report says it is: it was a peaceful night. Suddenly maws came at us. The monsters dragged my screaming squadmates one by one. I only survived because I knew how to run, and because I had a missile launcher with me. A missile launcher that a friend tossed to be before he…" She looked away blankly at the rocks outside. "I remember running from cover to cover, cloaked as long as possible, and firing at the monsters whenever they saw me."

"How long did that last?" asked Wrex.

"Less than an hour," she shook her head. "I dunno. All I knew is that my team, the colonists…everyone was gone in minutes."

"Damn! If that's true you could be an honorary krogan."

"I wasn't a victor Wrex," she pointed out. "I was a survivor. If I could travel back in time, I would save as many of my team as possible."

"Nobody could have done better," I said, meeting her gaze.

"You don't know that."

You can't blame yourself for their deaths Skipper," Ashley added. "For all it's worth Commander, I too know how it feels like to have my unit wiped out."

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, I know. This is something that one could only get over with time."

We came upon a single structure filled with mercenaries. It was good that we had Wrex with us, especially since we fought several mercenaries at close quarters. With him head-butting enemies, Shepard and I almost didn't have to fire at anyone.

The scientist, Wayne, was still alive when we got to him. He was on his knees. A mercenary wearing an old Alliance uniform had a gun to his head. Wayne begged us to save him. The mercenary threatened us. Shepard seemed to recognize him instantly. She gestured for us to lower out weapons. "Toombs?" she said that as if she saw a ghost.

Toombs seemed to have recognized Shepard's. He looked at her disbelievingly, with his gun still pointed to the scientist's head. "Is that really you?"

They stared at each other. When Shepard began, she seemed to have a loss for words, "You…you were taken. I saw those things pull you under!"

"They took me, Shepard. The scientists." He drilled the barrel to the scientist's head.

Wayne cried, "This man is delusional!"

Toombs' hand trembled. He told us that he woke up in a holding cell. Cerberus scientists' had planned the attack all along just so they could study the maws and the troops.

Shepard slowly moved closer to him. "If I had known, I would have come back for you."

"I know, Shepard."

Despite this and the gun to his head, Wayne demanded a fair trial. Toombs slapped him with his pistol. "She was there! You bastard, she knows the truth!" Turning to Shepard, he said, "This man deserves to die, for you, for me and for the entire unit!"

With one hand, she lowered Toombs' weapon. "We…we all have our scars from Akuze. Killing him won't erase them. You're better than this. You are not like them."

Toombs angrily looked at the floor. "Don't tell me who I am. You got away with a few scratches and a scary reputation. The rest of the unit died, and I was tortured for years. You don't have the right to judge me."

"I am not judging you. I am helping you. If I could only go back to what happened, I would have helped you. All I could do is help you now. Please, let me."

At this, Toombs relented. "You're…you're right. I am not a murderer. Maybe the screaming will stop now."

She took him in her arms. "Those bastards can't hurt you now."

In less than an hour, we were in the Mako. Wayne was cuffed. Still demanding a trial. Toombs stared morosely at the floor lost in thought. Shepard lightly punched him on the shoulder. "Toombs, remember what you used to tell me…"

"Victory always comes with survival."

She smiled. "I think I believe that now."

Everyone has scars. Hopefully someday, they'll heal.


	14. Second Best Situations

**Chapter 14**

**Second Best Situations**

What do you do when you think you love someone, and you realize this other person is also starting to have feelings for you, but then you know that there is much at stake if you both act on these feelings?

Nothing.

By this time, I have had much opportunity to observe her. I love how she always managed to talk her way diplomatically out of almost any situation. I love how she randomly quotes poetry. I love how she wistfully thumbs through her dark hair when she is deep in thought. Being able to see those little things were a joy to me, because sometimes, one has to settle for second best situations.

"Skipper," Ashley said to Shepard as we sat on the mess one day. "There's a masquerade at Flux this weekend."

By that time, we had already defeated Saren's top lieutenant, freed Rachni, stopped Geth incursions and helped Wrex get something of his family back. I think everyone knew that we were heading back to the Citadel all the more because Shepard was summoned once again.

Shepard shrugged while casually whirling her fork on her plate. "So?"

"I got you a dress. You'll love it." Ashley turned and winked at me.

"I hope it's military issue."

Ashley frowned. "Sometimes, you are just no fun Skipper."

"I seriously don't get it Chief. Given the diversity of the Citadel, I don't really see the need for masks or costumes."

Liara interrupted, "Sometimes individuals need masks and costumes in order to, as they say, loosen up. Roleplaying enables people to live out their fantasies."

Ashley nodded. She still didn't like Liara that much, but at least they were agreeing. As for the other aliens on the ship, she was starting to accept them as if they were human.

"Some people have worn masks all their lives," Shepard replied. "So you may have to consider that for these people, roleplaying may not be appealing to them."

"You could always be yourself Skipper. I wish that is a role that you play more often."

"If only it were that simple Chief."

It was quiet on the bridge that day. Ashley sat on the terminal beside me. She whispered, "She might just come if ask her LT."

Not that again. "You know about the regs Williams."

"Yeah, if I catch you kissing a superior officer, I will happily relieve you of command. The consequences aren't really at all that bad."

"You have it all figured out, don't you?" I chuckled. "So you know why we have to forget about it."

She paused. Moving her seat to face mine, she melodiously said these lines,

"Queen rose of the rosebud garden of girls,  
>Come hither, the dances are done,<br>In gloss of satin and glimmer of pearls,  
>Queen lily and rose in one;<br>Shine out, little head, sunning over with curls,  
>To the flowers, and be their sun."<p>

The only thing I could do was stare at her. I did not know what that meant, who she was quoting or where that was from. Perhaps sensing my confusion, she continued, "All I am saying is, you may be the one who would be able to help her figure things out. She's had it rough lately, and I got a feeling there's going to be something big coming. And it's not going to be easy on us or on her. 'Brief is life, but love is long.'"

I smiled, but couldn't say a word of reply. As usual, she hit her target right on the head.

"What?" she asked. "Just because I can snipe someone a hundred meters off doesn't mean I can't like sensitive stuff or give good advice."

I shook my head. "You should replace Chakwas downstairs."

"Maybe not." She replied, rotating her seat back to her terminal. "Though someday, you may want to name your babies after me."

Ashley's words haunted me all day. I found the book that she left that first night at the mess. I browsed through its pages, and found that it has been heavily marked with commentaries. I then understood one thing about these women and poetry: it was a way they could summon out certain things they can never say. That night, as my head throbbed, I tried to find words, lyrics that would tell her what I have always wanted to tell her. But nothing came.

The mess was particularly full that day. Luckily, the seat beside Shepard on the small isolated table she sat on was empty. Her eyes met mine as I came towards her. As I took the seat beside her, our fingers touched for a second when I slid the book to her. She didn't look that surprised when I showed her the book.

"Thank you," I said. I looked around. Presley, Adams and Dr. Chakwas were in various tables around us chatting away with various crew. The chaotic murmurs around us made it impossible to almost understand what various people are saying on other tables. I didn't want to attract too much attention.

She nodded in reply. Flipping through the pages and sliding it back to me, she said, "Before you give it back, there is something I want to read." She turned it to a page entitled: Sonnet 17 by Pablo Neruda. She softly recited its lines:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,  
>or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.<br>I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,  
>in secret, between the shadow and the soul.<br>I love you as the plant that never blooms  
>but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;<br>thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,  
>risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.<br>I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.  
>I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;<br>so I love you because I know no other way  
>than this: where I does not exist, nor you,<br>so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,  
>so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.<p>

Her sapphire eyes were fixed on mine as she said those lines. Her voice shook a bit, but her smile never faltered.

I understood what she was trying to say.

If only we weren't in a place where everybody could see, I would have taken her in my arms and tell her that I felt the same. If she hadn't been my superior officer, if I had been just a man and she a woman, if only…but it was the way it was. She probably chose to say it that way in that place so I wouldn't respond the way I would have done if it had not been so. I could only squeeze her hand under the table as she cried.

"Lovely poem, isn't it?" she asked with feigned cheerfulness.

"Yes."

That was the only thing I could say.

From her, I think I learned to keep a straight face to a crowd, though my heart was breaking and dancing for joy at the same time, knowing what she felt for me.

Joker's voice sounded on the comm., "Commander, I'm about to bring us down to the Citadel."

"I'll be right up," she replied.

She was about to stand, but my hand was still holding onto hers.

"Where are you going tonight?" I asked. "I mean after the Council, Udina…"

"Where no one will find me."

I think I knew exactly where that was.

Flux was packed that night: turians, asari, salarians, krogan, quarians, volus, humans and various humans with a lot of makeup pretending to be turians, asari and other various races. As usual, humans always want to be people they are not. I think it was a salarian sponsored dating event, but no one seemed to care. With everyone's costumes and the dimmed lights, it was hard to recognize anyone at all. It was quite easy to find Garrus since he was one who came as Saren and Tali since she came as herself.

"Do you think she'll be here?" Ashley asked leaning on the bar, her voice sounding a bit strange on the quarian suit that she borrowed from Tali. Despite her initial dislike for aliens, I think she would rather come as one than be seen by anyone wearing a skirt.

I shrugged. I was becoming more like Shepard.

I felt a little uncomfortable in the 20th century style tux I was wearing. I loosened the collar a little bit.

"Relax LT," said Ashley. "Order a 'martini—shaken not stirred.'"

"What's the difference?" I asked.

"Not a clue."

"I'll take that drink," a voice said behind me. Something in me skipped a beat because knew exactly who it belonged to.

I turned, and there she was standing before me. The short blue dress she wore matched the color of her eyes.. She let her hair fall below the level of her well-shaped breasts, which was outlined in that dress of hers. When she smiled, at least I still remembered how to breathe. Wordlessly, she took the seat beside me and sipped the glass that was given to her.

Ashley threw her arms around Shepard. At first, I couldn't believe she did that, but then I realized that we weren't in the ship anymore, and hardly anyone could recognize us as ourselves.

They chatted a bit. I forgot what about. But I remember Ash looking Shepard and me and saying, "Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?" Then she scuffled off.

Suddenly, it was just Shepard and me.

What does one exactly do in situations like this? A beautiful woman you think you are in love with, and is into you as well walks up to you. What do you say?

Nothing.

In the Normandy and in our uniforms, we knew what to do. But outside there is really no chain of command. Here, where no one could recognize us, I was simply a man in front of a woman he loves. I think she knew that too.

"So, what now?" she asked innocently.

"Dance?"

"I'd love to." She smiled again, and the whole galaxy turned.

Conveniently, the music slowed. We danced silently at first. And she did not step on my toes. I took her in my arms. She nestled her head comfortably on my shoulder. Yes, we could do that.

"We found a lead on Saren, we'll head off to Virmire tomorrow."

"Uh-huh."

"We're so close now."

"And after this we'll—"

"Yes, we will."

There was silence again. I don't think we were ever used to it. She whispered into my ear, "Do you think this is real?"

"What do you mean?"

"This thing that we're…," she sighed. "What if I am merely throwing myself onto you because I see too much of you? Or because we get into countless near death situations?"

"If that were the case, I would have just stuck to battlefield flirting." It didn't matter to me because it felt real.

As if reading my mind, she said, "It doesn't really matter, does it?"

"For now." I silently reveled at how close she was to me. So close, that I could smell her flowery scent, as if she bathed in roses. So close that I could almost hear the soft thump of her heart. Or was it mine? If it was, I think I must have prayed silently for her to hear it. I lifted her chin, so that she could meet my eyes. "Do you what to know what's real for me?"

"What?" Her honest eyes glimmered in the darkness and the dancing lights as she spoke.

I slowly drew her face to meet mine. I closed my eyes. I needed to feel her lips against mine, to make her feel what I felt. Just a bit more and I—

"Commander Shepard?" an excited male voice suddenly broke out.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself staring at Conrad Verner wearing a cheap-looking imitation of Shepard's N7 armor. As if by impulse, Shepard suddenly pushed me away.

The man angrily pointed his fake gun at me. "Is this man bothering you or something?"

Shepard forced a tight, irritated smile. "No, not at all."

_No,* you* are bothering us you pathetic bastard!_

I forgot what he asked for next whether it was for another autograph or a picture. I do remember one thing: I would have thrown a very strong biotic punch in that man's direction, if I had not a bit of self-control.

Shepard managed to get rid of him, but we never had a moment alone again that night. I was so close. We were so close, but I think we both knew how far we still had to go.

A/N: For this chapter, I initially thought of making Kaidan find Sonnet 17, but I felt that it is more fitting for Shepard. Since this is written in Kaidan's perspective and we don't get to really see what Shepard actually thinks and feels here, I wanted to take this opportunity to do so, given that at that moment, that was what she actually felt. I am still thinking of various ways of leaking Shepard's feelings without Kaidan knowing too much. Given that we don't get to see a lot of Shepard's side of the story, I am still thinking of creating a separate one-shot in Shepard's perspective or an additional chapter, after the story is done (5 or 6 more chapters to go before its planned sequel). As much as I like Kaidan, I think he worships Shepard too much and we only get little snippets of who this woman really is as compared to who she tries to be. Suggestions anyone?

Thanks for reading.

**A/N 2: **Changes: Added Content on Ch 4. Edited 5 and the rest to accommodate added story. Added chapters "Dance" and "Dead Scientists."


	15. Volunteering

**Chapter 15**

**Volunteering**

White sandy beaches, trees, a breeze. Something that looked like a sea snake whizzed past my leg in the clear blue water. It gave me a chill for a sec, but I remembered that it could not cause serious damage. This paradise sounded almost quiet. Well, almost.

I didn't wander too far off the shore where the stranded STG regiment was camped. The salarians were preparing for battle. On the far side of camp, Shepard was walking away from Wrex who stared defiantly into the darkening sky. Ashley had her shotgun to her side. One of us was always ready for the worst, and that was always Ash. She paced down the sand with Shepard to the tent.

"Things got a little intense there," Ashley told her. "For a second there I thought—"

"O ye of little faith," she replied with a confident grin. "Besides, Wrex knows better. Who knows? Someday he may rise on top of all of this. You just gotta have more faith in people or aliens."

"I'll try Skipper. Besides, weren't you always the suspicious type?"

"I know better now."

When she met my eyes, she flashed a smile before entering the tent.

"Thank you for taking care of the krogan," Kirrahe said. "The assault on Saren's base will be difficult enough as it is."

Shepard crossed her arms. "I assume that means you've come up with a plan."

The salarians did come up with a plan. Kirrahe explained that he and his men plan will convert their ship's drive core to a nuke to blow up the place. But the nuke has to be placed at a specific location at the far side of the facility. The Normandy will drop off the nuke. But infiltration teams are needed to disable the AA guns and resist some ground forces. The salarians will hit the front while Shepard's team, who he refered to as Shadow, will hit the base from the back.

"I don't expect many of us will make it out alive." He admitted. "And that makes what I'm going to ask even more difficult: I need one of your men to accompany me. To help coordinate the teams."

Shepard nodded, reluctantly. "We'll need someone who knows Alliance communication protocols."

"I volunteer." The words came out of my mouth faster than I thought. This was my chance: my chance to fight for humanity and for the known galaxy.

"Not so fast. LT." Ashley interrupted. "The commander will need you to arm the nuke. I'll go with the salarians."

Great. Here is Ash being Ash again—stubborn. "With all due respect, Gunnery Chief, it's not your place to decide.

Ash glared at me. "Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect' they really mean 'kiss my ass?'"

Shepard ignored us. "Who would be better suited for the mission?"

"Either of these two will do, Commander. Both seem willing to sacrifice their lives if necessary, though if we are lucky, such sacrifices won't be required."

She threw me a side glance. "Alenko, you're with the captain. Keep it simple, understood?"

"Aye, aye! Commander." And by that I knew she meant no heroics.

"Captain, I will need your engineers to brief my crew on the bomb's detonation sequencing."

"Of course, commander." Then he went off to his men.

"This is it," I muttered. "Don't do anything foolish while I'm gone Ash." I met Shepard's eyes. "That goes for you too, Shepard."

"We'll be fine, LT." Ash reassured me.

"Yeah, I just…" _wish I won't have to leave you two alone_, I wanted to say. But I knew what I signed up for. I could only say "good luck."

"Kaidan…" Shepard whispered.

"You could always change your mind, LT," Ash reminded me. "I can take your place.

"No, I want to follow through this. This is what I'm here for." I sighed. "It's just weird, going under someone else's command. I've got used to working with…all of you."

Ashley threw a light punch on my shoulder. "Don't worry so much. We'll see you on the other side."

"I know. I just wanted to say…" This was the right moment to tell both of them how much they meant to me, how I would willingly for them to the death. But I couldn't once more, I couldn't say it. "It's…it's been an honor serving with you."

Shepard placed her hand on my shoulder and Ash's. "It doesn't matter if we're not on the same unit. We're still a team. Watch each other's backs, keep your eyes open and fight like I know you can. God willing, we'll all come out of this in one piece."

I smiled. "You bet, Commander."

We all scuffled off to prepare our equipment. Kirrahe gathered his men and gave a speech. I did not understand half the significance of it, but the important thing was it worked. By the end of it, his men hand enough inspiration to charge hundreds of krogan.

The Mako was still on the beach. I left my omni-tool inside so I went back to retrieve it. It wasn't there. As I looked under some seats, Shepard came in with my omni-tool in her hand. "Looking for this Lieutenant?"

"Yeah," I sheepishly admitted. "Can't go without it."

"Of course not," she replied, handing it back to me. "I also fitted it with a tracking device. In case you don't make it to the pick-up point and in case you have to run with the salarians, we'll find you."

"Thanks."

At this point, we were staring awkwardly at each other without anything to say.

"So…" she began.

I answered back. "So…"

We both have something to say, but neither one of us can say it.

"Good luck," she said with some finality, shaking my hand.

"Thanks commander."

_I love you. Stay safe. I want to do this for me, and for you. Because I love you._

Sadly, they just couldn't come out of my mouth.

When she turned to leave, I felt like I wanted to bang my head on the Mako. I was an idiot. But then I realize that if I don't chase her, I would be more than an idiot. I was about to run to her, when she charged back in and kissed me.

I don't know how long it lasted. Time seemed to stop that first time her lips met mine. Her scent, her taste made me forget when I started to put my arms around her or when I parted my lips. All I know was that it felt like heaven and heaven was smiling down on us. Even when she pulled away, I forgot about breathing.

When I finally remembered to catch my breath, she just stood there as stunned as I was. She darted back out the door as fast as she came in.

We needed to talk about what happened, but that was not the time. It felt good though.

Saren's fortress loomed on the cliff as I went outside. We were going to charge its fronts gates. But who cares? I was ready to take on the universe.


	16. Sacrifices

**Chapter 16**

**Sacrifices**

The base was massive. Its gates stretched several meters up and several meters wide. What's worse was that there were several turrets up the battlements that would probably take a lot of us out before reach the gates.

I was with team Aegohr. We were not there to win. We were there to distract the enemy. We were only waiting for the signal.

Cracks were heard from the radio. "Shadow is on the ground!" said Kirrahe. "Repeat: Shadow is on the ground. Aegohr, Mannovai and Jaeto, time to get some attention."

That was our signal. We ran up the slope to the gates. Turrets immediately sensed our presence and peppered the path with rounds. They were slaughtering us before we even got close. Some rocks gave us cover but they were not enough. Mannovai team was getting the worst of it. I shouted on the radio, "Fire is coordinated on Mannovai team. We can't reach the geth turrets. They're out of range!"

All we could do was run from cover to cover. The turrets had the advantage of height and distance. Our engineers were too far to hack them. A bullet whizzed past me. One soldier slumped beside me, dead. Even in cover, we were not safe.

Then all of a sudden, the turrets on our side stopped firing. Then they started firing at the other turrets.

"A miracle!" one soldier beside me said, looking up.

No that wasn't a miracle. It was Shepard. She was looking out for us.

The radio crackled again. "We've got a shot! Lieutenant Alenko, take the heat off Mannovai!"

Leaping out of cover, we fired our way to Mannovai. But as we did, fliers from above swooped, raining fire and rockets on us and forcing us to move back to cover. But somehow, those fliers knew where to shoot. They must have had something to triangulate our positions. We were getting slaughtered and we couldn't see anything beyond the fire and explosions.

All of us hoped to survive to see the end of it.

"Shepard, please get there soon," I thought.

I jumped out of cover and overloaded one flyer, exploding on the rock wall. It was going to be a long fight, and we will not go down easily.

Believe it or not, we made it inside. We didn't hear anything from Shadow but we knew they were helping us. Somehow, something scrambled the geth's targeting. Fliers that left didn't come back. We all knew why. I think this was what gave us courage to push forward despite the odds.

Then we heard her voice, "AA guns are down. Repeat: AA guns are down."

"Good work Commander," responded Kirrahe. "Now it's our turn."

All three teams with their soldiers, snipers and engineers charged at full force, clearing all the geth present in our position. Engineers set charges at key points.

"Charges set!" shouted Kirrahe. "Everybody bunker down. Bunker down!"

The massive explosion shook the entire area. There was no way that didn't get the geth's attention, giving time for Joker to land and for Shadow team to plant the bomb.

We pushed forward to the AA tower where we met heavy resistance. The geth sent a dropship with several Troopers, Primes, Snipers and Destroyers. What worse was that the AA Tower provided us with minimal cover.

The geth broke through our lines. A rocket whizzed past me. I was lucky enough to be able to dodge it in time. Some salarians behind me weren't so lucky. The blast blew several of them away. From across the yard under the cover of a small pillar, Kirrahe shouted, "Hold the line, men! Hold the line!" Just then, a bullet grazed him in the leg. Even so, he returned fire, with Rentola following suit.

One thing I knew for sure: we were going to die.

"Bomb is in position," said Ashley on the comm. "We're all set here."

Last chance to say goodbye. I didn't know how long my cover would last. "Commander, do you read me?"

"Nuke is almost ready Lieutenant, get to the rendezvous point."

"Negative, Commander. The geth have us pinned down on the AA Tower. We've taken heavy casualties." I paused, knowing the inevitable truth. "We'll never make the rendezvous point in time."

"Get them out of there Joker! Now!" She yelled almost instantaneously.

"Negative! Just make sure the nuke is set. We'll hold them off as long as we—"

A Prime closed in on my position. I rolled away barely escaping the flames from his weapon. Overload. Grenade. That blew it to bits. Of course, a couple of Troopers closed in on me, burning out my shields. Thankfully my barriers held up. I lifted one trooper from the ground and sent it crashing on the other.

"Return fire!" I yelled.

Thankfully, Aegohr still had enough men to hear and follow that order.

What was she thinking? I thought. Her objectives were clear: plant the bomb and go. She shouldn't have risked coming to get me.

A dropship flew past. It was heading to the bomb site.

I had to warn them. "Chief, we've spotted a troopship inbound to your location."

"It's already here," Ashley replied. "And it's bleeding geth all over the bomb site."

"Can you hold them off?" Shepard asked.

"There's too many!" Ashley shouted back. Panic was obviously there in her voice. "I don't think we can hold them." There was a pause before she said the next fateful words. "I'm activating the nuke."

"What are you doing Williams?" Shepard asked with some disbelief in her voice. Everything was happening so quickly.

"Making sure this bomb goes off," Ashley replied determinedly. "No matter what." There was another pause before she continued. "It's done Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here!"

No, Ashley you have no right to die today, I thought.

I broke in, "Belay that. We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams."

Shepard didn't answer at first. It was only a few seconds, but it felt like forever. Emotion filled her voice as she told me, "Alenko: radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA Tower."

I couldn't believe my ears, or anything that was happening. I reluctantly replied, "Yes Commander, I—"

Ashley cut me off, "You know it's the right choice LT"

"I'm sorry Ashley," Shepard said regretfully. "I had to make a choice."

"I understand commander," Ashley replied. "I don't regret a thing."

Those were the last words that I heard her say. It was as if those were the surest things that she ever said.

But there was no time to think. The geth were overwhelming us. If Shepard was coming for us, she needed to come soon.

I shouted desperately over the comm. "Commander, you need to move fast. We can't hold these things off much longer."

Geth were coming at us from all sides. I and a few of the remaining salarians were pinned down behind a fragile crate. "Watch the corners! Suppressing fire!" I shouted to the salarian troops left.

I spied some Troopers and a Destroyer heading our way. Suddenly, one of the Troopers fell with from a headshot. Another trooper turned on the others. Distracting further fire from us.

She came. From the rocket smoke, she emerged.

Wrex pushed forward, head-butting Geth and shooting the rest with his shotgun. Liara sent a singularity right in the middle of the largest geth cluster. A shot from Garrus's rifle threw a destroyer back. Tali took the chance to hack it, making it charge the geth ranks before falling.

"All squads fall back! Hit the tanks!" Shepard shouted. "Hit the tanks!"

We fell back and obeyed. It sent a massive explosion, throwing us all back, and blowing the remaining geth to bits. The shockwave knocked us all back. A metal shard grazed my side but I was fine. And so were the rest of those who remained of Aegohr, Mannovai and Jaeto. I tried not to wince as I pulled the small shard off my skin and armor. I was fine. I could get up. Adrenaline, maybe.

Debris fell and the smoke cleared. The fight was over within minutes.

Or so we thought.

A small platform swooped in sight. Saren was on in, raining biotic blasts on us, forcing everyone to run to cover. One blast narrowly missed Shepard who leaned out and fired a couple of shots at once she was in cover. Those shots barely scraped his shields.

Saren, seeing that he couldn't get a good shot of any of us, descended and hovered near Shepard.

Garrus and a couple of salarian snipers had him in sight, but they were signaled off.

Now what was she doing?

"This has been an impressive diversion, Shepard," Saren said. "My geth were utterly convinced that the salarians were the real threat."

Then I understood. She wanted to talk.

Saren continued, "Of course it was all for nothing. I can't let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can't possibly understand what's really at stake."

"Why are you doing this?" she asked. I couldn't see her. She hid behind a small curve in the tower structure but I could hear her clearly.

"You've seen the vision from the beacons. You of all people should understand what the Reapers are capable of. It is senseless to mire yourself in pointless revolt. Do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms. The Protheans tried to fight, and they were utterly destroyed. Trillions dead. But what if they had bowed down before the invaders? Would the Protheans still exist? Is submission not preferable to extinction?"

Hearing that, I knew for sure that he was crazy.

"Do you really believe the Reapers would let us live?" she asked skeptically.

"Now you see why I never came forward with this to the Council. We organics are driven by emotion instead of logic. We will fight even when we know we cannot win. But if we work with the Reapers—if we make ourselves useful—think of how many lives could be spared! Once I understood this, I joined Sovereign, though I was aware of the... dangers. I had hoped this facility could protect me."

"You're afraid Sovereign is influencing you," she pointed out. "You're afraid he's controlling your thoughts."

"I've studied the effects of indoctrination," he admitted. "The more control Sovereign exerts, the less capable the subject becomes. Sovereign needs me to find the Conduit. That is my saving grace. My mind is still my own... for now. But the transformation from ally to servant can be subtle. I will not let it happen to me."

At that point, I couldn't understand parts of the conversation. From Benezia, we learned that Saren managed to control her and her commandos through something in his ship Sovereign. But Sovereign controlling Saren? It was unthinkable. Unless Soverign was another entity altogether.

"Tell me why Sovereign needs the Conduit," Shepard urged. "Tell me what it is. Maybe we can find a way to stop them."

"The Conduit is the key to your destruction and my salvation," he answered. "Sovereign needs my help to find it. That is the only reason I have not been indoctrinated."

"Sovereign's manipulating you and you don't even know it! You're already under its power!"

Saren frantically shook his head. "No! Sovereign needs me. If I find the Conduit, I've been promised a reprieve from the inevitable. This is my only hope."

"Together, we can stop Sovereign," she pleaded. "We don't have to submit to the Reapers. We can beat them!"

"I…no longer believe that," he sadly replied. "The visions cannot be denied. The Reapers are too powerful. The only hope of survival is to join with them. Sovereign is a machine. It thinks like a machine. If I can prove my value, I become a resource worth maintaining. There is no other logical conclusion!"

"You were a Spectre," she snapped. "You were sworn to save the galaxy. Then you broke that vow to save yourself."

"I'm not doing this for myself!" Saren snapped back. "Don't you see? Sovereign will succeed. It is inevitable. My way is the only way any of us will survive. I'm forging an alliance between us and the Reapers. Between organics and machines. And in doing so, I will save more lives than have ever existed. But you would undo my work. You would doom our entire civilization to complete annihilation. And for that, you must die."

He said those last words with some finality. Negotiations were over.

"Open fire!" Shepard shouted to us immediately.

Saren's shields were amazingly strong. He sent biotics and rockets to Shepard. He ignored us as if our attacks were insignificant. His platform enabled him to manouver like Tali's drones. He had Shepard on the run.

"Garrus!" she yelled. "I only have one more shot! Overload his shields! Pin him down!"

"Love to, but I can't." Garrus replied. "He's moving too fast. Can't get a good angle."

Shepard rolled away from her last position and disappeared, clocked. A few seconds later, Saren's rifle was beeping, and the rockets from his platform couldn't seem to fire.

She reappeared. "Kaidan, Garrus! Overload! Now!"

As we did, she sent a bullet to his platform, making it rock uncontrollably.

Saren leapt from his platform before it came down. Throwing his rifle on the side, he sent a blast to us, knocking us back. I wasn't able to throw a barrier in time. He headed down to Shepard.

From a distance, I saw Shepard drawing a pistol on Saren, who was quickly closing the distance between them. When she pulled the trigger, it beeped.

Crap.

Saren grabbed the collar of her hardsuit, dragging her to the edge of the roof.

Suddenly, an alarm sounded. That distracted him a bit, and Shepard was able to deliver a desperate right hook that made him drop her.

Saren quickly lept back onto his platform and sped away. Shepard managed to grab a pistol from one of the bodies on the ground. She had him on her sight, but somehow, she hesitated.

There was no time to think. The bomb was going to go off soon. The Normandy came and everybody came rushing up the ramp. I did too with some difficulty. Even before the ramp was closed, Joker started moving the ship up.

Wrex, Garrus, Tali and Liara made it up. Including Kirrahe with some help from Rentola and some salarians. Joker was getting desperate—desperate to get us all out alive. As a result, his piloting made us move from side to side. I grabbed a railing to steady myself.

Shepard, who was standing beside me, tried to meet my eyes, perhaps to see if I was fine. I wasn't, but I could never tell her that.

"Alright, everybody hang on!" Joker shouted as the Normandy sped up the sky before a harsh blinding light lit up around the ship.

In a flash, it was over.

When I looked out the window, I could see a mushroom cloud of smoke.

I turned again towards Shepard who was sadly staring at the floor.

Then the realization kicked in: the base was gone, and so was Ashley.

So many lives were lost that day. We soldiers would willingly give our lives for our mission and our friends. We never want to lose our friends.

I try not to imagine how Ashley died, whether it was painful or quick. Because in the end, I always imagine myself taking her place. Sometimes I still wonder if it should have been me.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Thanks so much for the reviews guys! I am very sorry for the hiatus. Part of it was because of ME3 and part of it was because of certain deadlines that I had to meet for the past month.

I have edited this story a lot. Here is a list of the changes:

A section on "Slip" about Kaidan's parents. Because of that I had to edit a bit in "An Element of Blank" about Kaidan's mother. Minor though. Because in my initial concept, Kaidan's mother died (cancer) during the time he was in Brain Camp.

A new chapter called "Dance." Got that idea from ME3.

Edited the bit on Chapter one with Anderson telling Kaidan that he may become the Second Human Spectre. I had to edit that because in ME3, the idea came from Udina.

In "The Visit," I omitted that section about Shepard's problem with Neruda.

Changed the planet to Mindoir in "First Dates."

Deleted some bits where Aida cries (or there are hints that she cried) in "Barriers" and "Second Best Situations." This is thanks to a very useful review. It made me realize something about Aida. Aida is a person who has learned to stifle her emotions throughout the years. I want to express her vulnerability at key points, but crying makes her probably too vulnerable. Thanks to the reviewer who pointed that out.

Added "Dead Scientists, Dead Soldiers," because I realized that I needed a section on Akuze. I actually wanted to give Toombs more screentime, particularly with Shepard and Kaidan, but I deleted that because it changed the tone of the chapter. And one can add the fact that Toombs may be a little to traumatized to speak to anyone like Kaidan. I think I'll write more about Akuze in flashbacks in the sequel. The sequel I'm planning will still be in first person POV but divided between Shepard and Kaidan. I may even get Toombs to do a cameo ME3. I am still deciding anyway.


	17. First Funeral

**Chapter 17**

**First Funeral**

The debriefing started out quietly. Whether it was shock, disbelief, sadness or all of the above is something for everyone to decide.

But debriefings are done to let everything out. So I spoke, "I can't believe Ash didn't make it. How can we just leave her down there?"

"Williams knew the risks," Shepard replied. "She gave her life to save the rest of us."

"But why me?"

"It is not your place to question my decisions, Lieutenant," she answered plainly.

That's the typical superior officer's defense. I guess she wasn't ready to talk about it. Not yet. I pushed too hard, too soon.

Death is often hardest for those left behind.

Ashley left behind a lot of people, and a lot of things scattered on the Normandy. Everybody left everything just as she left them before Virmire. The last song she played and paused on the music pod was still there. The rifles that she used to clean were all piled up on the weapons bench. Since Virmire, no one has bothered to clean anything on that bench. Her datapad—the one she filled with her favorite poems—was also still there.

Her datapad was almost out, so I decided to recharge it up the crew deck. Her last entry was a quote from Tennyson: "Death closes all: but some ere the end…" She even recorded it. But the file was corrupted for some reason: it never got past that line. I spent hours simply staring at the datapad. I couldn't think or read. There was just nothing.

In times like these, I expected Ashley to just come out with a smile and make everything clear through her random poetry quotes. But no, she never came. And she was never coming back.

There was one other person who randomly quoted poetry, but I don't think I was ready to see her, yet.

Hours later, my alarm beeped. I must have fallen asleep. That always happens when I try to think. At least it beats getting drunk and waking up with a hangover.

I looked at Ashley's datapad again. It was completely charged. Since I couldn't read it anyway, I figured that I should return it to where it belonged.

The bay's lights were on when I went down. Someone was working on the bench. For a second, I thought it was Ashley. The figure turned. It wasn't Ashley. It was Shepard. And she was cleaning rifles.

"Hey," she whispered softly. "Williams has left a lot of rifles that need cleaning. Think you might want to lend a hand?"

"Sure," I answered, picking up one old assault rifle.

"Thanks." She placed one on the side of the table. "This one is done. It's not as perfect as the way she did it, but still…"

"She wouldn't have wanted it any other way."

"I hope so."

We sat there silently for some time, with cloths and dirty rifles in hand. Sometimes, that was how we communicated.

"I'm sorry," she said. "About the debriefing. I should never have taken it out on you."

"I'm sorry too. For anything I said back there. Adrenaline, maybe. It wasn't the time."

"I don't like losing people either. It's not something that one gets used to."

"So how does one deal with it? How did you cope with Akuze?"

She placed the rifles down for a second, and looked down. "I knew that I failed, but I vowed to do better."

"And now?"

"The same thing: I'll remember her, and I'll do better for her."

"But how does one do that exactly?"

"We can stop Sovereign. And… clean these rifles." She turned and met my eyes. "Think we can do both?"

"Maybe," I said smiling. "At least I know I can do the latter."

She smiled back. "And about your other question…Up there you asked 'why me?' And I didn't give you a straight answer."

"We don't have to talk about it unless you want to."

"But we need to." She closed her eyes and looked down again. "I could think of hundreds of Alliance protocols that tell me to get you out of there instead of Ashley, but…"

"But…"

She sighed. "But I think about what I would do if your roles were switched, and…I know I wouldn't do things differently." She opened her eyes but her eyes were still on the table. "I would still choose you. Because I can't…I can't have it any other way. I guess protocol just makes it easier."

If protocol made everything easier, why did we feel guilty inside?

The wheels were turning, despite everything she didn't want to say or couldn't say, despite what I couldn't say.

I placed the gun down. Forgetting how dirty my hands were, I softly touched her cheek. When she looked up to meet my eyes, all I could read in her eyes was sadness and guilt.

"For all it's worth," I admitted. "If it was me deciding up there, I don't think I could have left you behind either."

I took her in my arms as she nestled her face on my shoulder.

Ash died because of us. That was the reality that we had to face. But we knew that she would have wanted this.

We parted when we heard the elevator door opening. Liara stepped out with a dirty pistol in her hand. "I got this from Ashley," she said. "I figured that I should return this."

Shepard smiled and shook her head. "You bought that pistol from the Citadel. Try another lie."

Liara scratched the side of head for a second. "How about: I miss her, despite our previous disagreements."

Shepard nodded. "That'll work."

Shepard handed Liara a cleaning cloth. Almost after she did, Wrex came and picked up a shotgun. "I didn't like blowing up that base," he admitted. "But it had to be done. Without Williams, it couldn't have been done. I owe her for that."

Tali came soon after from Engineering, with her own shotgun. "I upgraded this for Ashley, but I figured that it also needs cleaning so…"

"Join the club," Shepard replied cheerfully.

Garrus came last. "Knew you're all down here so I figured: 'why the hell not?'"

"I love you too Garrus," Shepard said, laughing. "Now we just need Joker."

"Present!" Joker said on the comm.

Shepard looked up at the camera. "We can always send a rifle to you Joker."

"No thanks. I'll just be with you…in spirit."

From that day on, we did a rifle cleaning rota. It was never broken until the Normandy came down.

* * *

><p><em>Months later<em>

Liara, Wrex, Tali and Garrus had never been to a human funeral before, let alone an Alliance one. I told them that it was based off old traditional military funerals back on earth: lots of ceremony and lots of crying. Each one attending always tries hard not to do the latter.

Eden Prime was still in ruins. Its citizens were still recovering, rebuilding. Yet at the request of her family, she was to be buried there with her squad.

Six servicemen carried her empty casket, draped with an Alliance flag, along two rows of Alliance soldiers who were lined up—each giving her salute as her casket passed by. Leading the honor guards was Shepard herself in her Alliance dress uniform.

As they came towards Ashley's family—her mother and three sisters—the six servicemen folded up the Alliance banner. Shepard slowly took the folded banner.

Protocol says that she was to hand that banner to Ashley's mother. She paused for a moment. Though her body slowly trembled, she managed to do what she had to do.

Mrs. Williams, who was fighting back her tears, softly placed a hand on Shepard's cheek and took her in her arms. Soon, all Ashley's sisters followed suit.

Shepard did not cry, but she glanced at me with a pained expression.

After the funeral, a girl of sixteen sat beside me. She didn't look much like Ashley—her skin was paler, her hair was a little red and her eyes were the color of green apples—but I knew she was Ash's youngest sister Sarah.

She examined me for a few seconds before saying, "You look cuter in person."

"Uh…thanks, I guess."

Her hand dumped a large paper bag in mine. "Mom asked me to give this to you," she told me. "She used to send Sis one twice a year."

I opened it. It was filled with snack mixes, chips and beef jerkies.

"Sis always complained about military food so sending her something became something of a bi-annual tradition for Mom."

"Thanks."

She leaned back on her chair. "Sis told me a lot about you."

"And Ash talked a lot about you."

We never got into exchanging what Ashley gossiped about each of us. And maybe it was better that we didn't know.

I took something from my coat pocket. It was something Ash picked up at the Citadel. Ash once told me that she wanted to give it to Sarah for Christmas. I wasn't sure if it was the best time to give it to her, but I knew that it might be my only opportunity.

"Waiting for love," Sarah read the title out loud. She smiled sadly. "Sis told me about this. She told me the writer is an asari who spent her life looking for love, only to find it seven hundred years later." Sighing, she continued. "She was always looking out for me. 'Someday it will come,' she said. 'And it will be worth it.' Do you think she was right?"

I smiled. "I think so."

Some people say love is all that matters, and that it is enough that that someone loved you. But sometimes, I am not sure if it is enough. Because we still long for them silently. Getting over is always difficult especially when one does not want to forget. We try, but we don't always succeed. But at least we try, knowing that that is what they want us to do.

So I try. Someday, I hope it will all be worth it.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I'm not yet done with Ash's datapad. It will come up again soon.

Thanks again so much for last chapter's reviews. Given that writing action isn't actually my forte (I have tried to avoid it as many times as I could), I am encouraged by your reviews. It was challenging to write but it was worth it.


	18. Downtime

**Chapter 18**

**Downtime**

O heart! oh blood that freezes, blood that burns!

Earth's returns

For whole centuries of folly, noise and sin!

Shut them in,

With their triumphs and their glories and the rest!

Love is best.

-Robert Browning

* * *

><p>I didn't like being in the Citadel Tower. I know that it is ancient, but it also feels mysterious. I get the feeling that there are too many secrets behind those walls. And I didn't like being kept in the dark.<p>

The Council screwed with us before the first time we came to them about Saren. They screwed with us again.

"What do you mean you're not going to send ships to Ilos?" Shepard demanded.

Her confusion was natural. We were all confused because we were told that they were mobilizing a fleet against Saren.

"Ilos is only accessible through the Mu Relay," explained the salarian councilor. "Deep inside the Terminus Systems, Commander. If we send a fleet in there, the only possible outcome is full-scale war."

"Now is the time for discretion, Commander," Udina warned. "Saren's greatest weapon was secrecy. Exposed, he is no longer a threat. This is over."

Shepard insisted, "One ship going into the Terminus Systems won't start a war. I can be discreet."

I realized that she was negotiating a compromise. It was a compromise but it was better than nothing.

"You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire!" the turian councilor challenged. "I wouldn't call that 'discreet!"

The asari councilor smoothly backed him up, "Your style served you well in the Traverse, Commander. We recognize that. But Ilos requires a deft touch. We have the situation under control."

"No you don't!" Shepard cried out. "If Saren finds the Conduit, we're all screwed! You have to send us to Ilos!"

"I get the sense Commander Shepard isn't willing to let this go." The turian councilor told Udina.

Udina glared. "There are serious political implications here, Shepard. Humanity's made great gains thanks to you. But now you're becoming more trouble than you're worth."

"You bastard!" I snapped. "You're selling us out!" That came out quicker than expected, making Shepard turn and look at me.

I was angry. The Council was not listening to us again, and Udina was using us as political pawns. Ash gave her life on Virmire so we could stop the Reapers, and they were just letting the Reapers roll through for the sake of their political ambitions. It was as if Ash died for nothing.

Udina ignored me. "It's just politics Commander. You've done your job, now let me do mine. We've locked out all the Normandy's primary systems until further notice."

"Are you insane?" Shepard yelled, frustratingly. "After everything I've done, you still don't believe me?"

"I think it's time for you and your team to leave, Commander," Udina concluded. "This no longer concerns you. The Council can handle this. With my help, of course."

After everything we've done, after Ash's sacrifice on Virmire, this is what we get: grounded. It made me want to shoot someone. I thought for a moment that if the Reapers bomb them to hell, I wouldn't care. I was that angry.

As for Shepard, all she could do was walk away.

* * *

><p>For the first time, the ship felt empty, really empty after the order came. With nothing else to do, everybody went out. I wasn't sure where.<p>

The hall was quite empty when I found her packing up by the lockers. When she saw me, she slumped dejectedly to the floor.

"Commander, are you alright?" I asked.

"I am not Commander Shepard right now," she answered gloomily. "I'm just Aida—Aida packing up once again with nothing to do and with nowhere to go."

"Is that what you always do: run away?"

She shook her head. "No, but sometimes, it is the only thing that any of us can do."

"Maybe there is another way." I took the seat beside her. "I am sure there is a way to appeal. We're under Alliance authority after all, not the Council."

"Weren't you listening? They were quite clear that official channels are closed."

"And we're supposed to accept that?"

She shrugged.

"So what do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through. If we have to sit it out, we may as well get a good seat."

"I think the seats here are just fine." She smiled. "You lent me your shoulder before. Could I borrow it again?"

"Sure," I replied, playfully dusting it.

Her head felt unexpectedly light on my shoulder. When I realized how close she was to me, I fought the urge to slip my arm around her and smell her hair. "How's the shoulder?"

"Fine, I guess. Very sturdy. I can get used to hard cushions."

I chuckled. "It will always be here for you whenever you need it, but we're on a rough spot here, and the last thing I wanna do is muddy things—if it's all that clear to start with. Are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

Sighing, she replied. "Can't you just pull a good old-fashioned it'll-be-alright can you?"

"It's that easy?"

She nodded.

"Okay then: 'Everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out.'"

"That wasn't so hard now was it?"

"I can get used to it." I really can. "I guess we have some downtime to figure out what we are."

What we were. Sometimes it felt like that was a harder mystery to solve than the mystery of the Reapers or Protheans. Even though the answer was staring us at the face.

She lifted her face to meet my eyes. Once again I realized how dangerously close we were, but she didn't seem to care. She closed her eyes as I inched my face towards her, closing the small distance between us. The galaxy with al its craziness was slipping away, and all that mattered was just us.

"Sorry to interrupt Commander—" Joker's voice suddenly boomed on the comm.

The galaxy just came back at us in full force. Bummer.

Shepard got up and glared the camera above us that was focusing its lens on us. "Were you spying on us Joker?"

"No Ma'am. I just knew you were on the ship, and figured I'd pass the message on: Captain said to meet him at Flux."

"What time?"

"At 1900 hours sharp."

"Tell him I'll be there." She replied. Zipping her duffel bag, she headed up the stairs. I followed her up.

"There is still time to run away."

"Where to?"

She answered plainly, "I don't know yet."

I grabbed the handle of her bag. "Mind if I tag along?"

She smiled. "Of course."

We walked an Alliance bank. The way she moved—she knew how to blend in a crowd. I lost her once in the crowd. But she managed to find me.

The guards did not salute us as we entered the bank. I realized that it was because we weren't in our uniforms, and Shepard wore a hood that obscured the upper part of her face. She went to a corner to fill out a withdrawal slip.

"What are you doing?" I whispered to her ear and spied the amount that she was writing on the slip. She was withdrawing a lot of credits.

"When one is running away, it is best to withdraw all of one's credits," she replied. "Just to be sure. It'll always be useful to have more than enough money when one is on the run."

"All of it?" asked the confused teller on the counter.

Shepard nodded. "Yes, all of it."

She looked at both of us questioningly and then smiled sweetly. I realized that Shepard was leaning on my shoulder again. Beaming at the teller, she said, "We're something like that."

Once we got the money, Shepard grabbed my hand and ran as quickly as she could out of the building. I heard a low musical sound—she was laughing. "Did you see the way she looked at us?"

I was glad she found that amusing.

"Why didn't we withdraw my credits?" I asked.

"I have more money than you," she said matter-of-factly.

I made a face. How did she know? Besides, I wasn't poor. I actually had enough to build us a house—a nice one—not that she would actually agree to live with me, and not that I was going to ask her given our situation.

We went to the civilian docks. There were lots of ordinary people lining up to their respective departure gates. I was surprised to see lots of security and even varren checking the bags going into the gates. But we didn't go there. I found myself staring at two separate lists of arrivals and departures. There were so many ships and people coming and going.

As we searched for an empty ticket terminal, I noticed how naturally my hand found hers, and she didn't seem to mind. When at last we found an empty terminal, Shepard looked up at me and asked, "Where are we gonna go?"

I was never asked that before and the number of choices overwhelmed me a little. "You decide."

Her eyes narrowed as she scanned the list of destinations. "Somewhere where we do not have to wear masks or suits," she thought for a second. "That means Palaven is out."

"Thessia? I heard there are lots of temples, libraries and museums there."

"And strip clubs."

"People say that the forests of Dekunna are quite nice."

"I am not much of a hunter." She bit her lip. "How about Omega? We can live as pirates for the rest of our lives."

I smiled, but shook my head. "I don't think I'd make a good pirate, Commander."

"Fine, you stay home and feed our ten children while I do the pirating."

I chuckled.

Her eyes met mine again when she asked, "Where would you like to take me?"

I paused as her honest eyes searched mine for an answer.

"I'll go wherever you want to take me."

I wasn't used to her deferring the decision to me. But she seemed so certain. "Vancouver," I answered finally. "I'd like you to meet my parents."

She smiled and then selected Vancouver from the list. "Okay. Vancouver it is. Do you think they'll actually like me?"

"They'll love you. You're Commander Shepard for God's sake."

Our tickets came out of the machine within seconds. We got open one-way tickets, because we didn't know if or when we will be using them. She enclosed her ticket in my hands. "Someday, I'll claim this from you."

"Is that a promise, Commander?"

She nodded. "So you'd better take good care of it."

"Yes, ma'am. When this is all over…"

She repeated conclusively, "When this is all over."

Her fingers were still laced in mine. I pressed them towards my lips. I was about to draw her closer to me when her omni-tool beeped.

18:30, it said. A reminder for us to go back to reality.

Switching her omni-tool to camera mode, she tiptoed, drew her face closer to mine, and said, "Smile."

The bright flash dazed me a bit. When she showed me the picture, I realized that I looked like a wide-eyed idiot next to her smiling photogenically at the camera. "Please delete that," I begged.

She protectively drew her omni-tool away from me. "Nope, it's mine." She smiled at the picture again. "I want to remember this." Lightly kissing my cheek, she added, "Don't worry. You're cute even when dazed."

Anderson eyed us suspiciously as soon as he saw us. I can imagine what it must have looked: us in plainclothes with a huge duffle bag looking like we were about to take off. Add to that, he saw the tickets in my hands. But he said nothing about it.

I wanted to tell him it was not what it appeared, but there was no opportunity. It was just a fantasy, I thought. But then I realized that it was more than just a fantasy. It was something that I knew that I would die fighting for just so it could become a reality. I wanted to be with her.

Anderson threw me a reassuring look. I think he understood.

Reapers, political squabbles will happen again and again. But me and Shepard, what we had may not happen again. I hope the galaxy can see that.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Confession: I actually got the idea for this chapter from an unpublished K2 Atton-Exile story. I just haven't published it because it was my last Atton-Exile story and I'm not ready to say goodbye to them yet, especially since they are the first videogame couple that I wrote about. I tweaked the runaway plot here a bit though. That first story didn't involve buying tickets, and instead of a bank, they exchanged credits for another currency, but I could see parallels here. To be honest, I am now starting to see parallels between Aranel (my Exile) and Aida: they're women who have experienced deep tragedies in their lives and they haven't been able to live their lives to the fullest. Re-reading my old K2 stories though, I realize that they need a lot of editing. By a lot, I really mean A LOT.

I figured that the runaway plot would fit Shepard and Kaidan or at least what I want them to do. There's a certain safety to fantasy, but I wanted them to play with fire a bit by living it out. I think they knew that what they were doing was not real. That is why it felt deceptively safe. But it was also real. The realization of its reality is meant to come out a little late. This is the idea that I wanted to play with here. I hope it played out fine.

The tickets will come back again probably in ME3, but I'm thinking of bringing it back a little earlier.

Writing this, I feel a little sad, knowing that Shepard will die at the beginning of ME2. It's a pity because I originally wanted this to be a "happy" chapter, but I think the idea itself is bittersweet. The idea of this whole story is bittersweet anyway, because it will all come back to Shepard dying. I'll try hard not to cry my eyes out when I actually start writing about the Normandy crash.

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed it, as I did enjoy writing this. :)


	19. Rhythms

**Chapter 19**

**Rhythms**

This is what we did to save the world: we had a superior officer hack our ambassador's computer, we stole the Normandy and we practically kidnapped those who were left inside the ship. The galaxy called us war criminals. The only place where we could be called heroes was in an alternate universe.

A couple of hours after our Citadel run, the comm beeped.

"This is Shepard speaking," she began. "In approximately fourteen hours, we will be launching an assault that will forever decide the fate of the galaxy. We are just one ship against thousands. We all know the risks. We beat Saren to the Conduit or we lose everything."

"Our governments have called us traitors. But I say, we will only be traitors if we do not hold fast to what we have promised to do—to save the galaxy at all cost."

"Not all of us may make it out alive. But through our deeds, or deaths, we will give the galaxy something to remember: we did not go down without a fight. We stood our ground. My friends, that is how the galaxy will remember us. And this is the story that they will tell for generations and cycles to come. Shepard, out."

There seemed to be a silent cheer from the crew as she said those words up at the CIC. There were no words, but the way each saluted her, one could tell that they were damn proud of serving under her, even if she would be sending them to their deaths. I was proud of serving with her.

I followed her down the stairs to her room. "Great speech, Commander," I said when the door closed behind us.

"Thanks," she replied. "Ash helped me."

She pulled out her omni-tool. From it, I heard a familiar line said by a voice I knew too well.

_Death closes all: but something ere the end,  
><em>_Some work of noble note, may yet be done,  
><em>_Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods._

A slight buzz cut off Ash's voice for a second before it continued,

…_we are;  
><em>_One equal temper of heroic hearts,  
><em>_Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will  
><em>_To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield._

"I pieced it together," Shepard admitted as the light from her omni-tool faded. "We were all so confused back at Virmire. Only she knew what she was doing. And even now, she reminding me of what we all have to do and that we are doing the right thing. That's one of the few great things about her: she never doubted."

I moved closer to her, "We are all behind you, Commander. And if I don't believe that you are doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here." My hand quickly found hers, which trembled slightly at my touch.

She was afraid.

"If things don't go well," I whispered. "I want you to know….I enjoyed serving under you."

That was the only thing I could say. Because it was the right thing to say. The right thing is not always the best thing.

"Kaidan…" She pulled away breathlessly. "You stopped being a subordinate a long time ago."

I chuckled, drawing closer again. "I suppose breach of protocol will be far down on our courts marshalls list." My fingers lightly brushed the warmth of her cheeks. "And when I think about losing you…I can't stand it."

"I guess the galaxy will just keep going without us."

"But it will be a lot less beautiful. You make me feel human, Aida."

I realized that was the first time I said her name. I gently kissed the fingers that were tracing the figure of my lips.

"Bunk here tonight."

I closed my eyes and thought of what might happen to us if anyone finds out. This is the rhythm of our lives. We held back. For every moment of happiness, there seemed to be an equal amount of pain. We knew the consequences. That was how we tortured ourselves. Only she had the courage to break out of it.

"This can't change anything," I said.

"Please…"

She looked at me with such earnestness, as if it was the only thing she wanted in the entire universe. Everything else faded. In that instant the rhythm changed: the only rhythm I could hear was the steady beat of my heart, and hers. Love can change so many things.

We watched each other get out of our heavy clothes and climbed naked onto the bed. She let me lead. Her moans, the way she responded to the work of my lips and fingers made me feel greedy. I needed her, the same way she needed me. She writhed when I took full possession of her. She let me in, deeper and deeper. And as I finally reached the edge, I heard her cry out fearlessly, triumphantly. There was nothing between us.

Morning introduced a new scent. I woke up to it. I must have panicked a little when I found my arms empty, without her. I was relieved when I found her sitting on her side table fully clothed and smiling at me.

What do you say to a woman you have loved all night?

Nothing.

She understood.

I understood.

Joker's booming voice awakened us to the inevitable reality before us. "Bridge to Commander Shepard: we are five minutes out of the Mu Relay."

She ignored it. Crawling to bed, she snuggled onto my chest. "Suit up. Come with me."

I nodded. I had known for a while that I would never be safe with her, but would never want to be anywhere with anyone else. "Aida, I—"

She stopped my words with a kiss. I think she knew what I was trying to say. I loved her.

She left the room almost regretfully. I was going to follow her. I found my clothes neatly folded at the edge of the bed that still betrayed the aftermath of what happened the night before.

The morning smelled different. It smelled of hope.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I won't be writing on the Ilos and Citadel battle, because I want to focus on what happens to Kaidan and Aida after. I think this chapter is the turning point in their relationship, and this story is all about them.

I must admit that I found this as challenging to write as the action scenes on Virmire. This is also the first love scene that I have ever written. I hope I did the original some justice.

Thanks for your reviews on the last chapter. It was the chapter that I really enjoyed writing, but I felt a little uncertain taking the scene beyond the almost kiss scene in the game. I think those reviews have made me a little braver now.


	20. Awakening

**Chapter 20**

**Awakening**

The scariest thing about what happened in the Citadel was not Saren, Sovereign or the geth. It was when I almost lost her. I was not afraid of dying. I was afraid of losing her.

It all happened so fast. The moment we heard from the comm that Sovereign was down, a massive metal arm came crashing down on us. I managed to leap away from the crash and explosion just as she shouted, "Move!"

Everything went black.

I woke up to the smell of smoke. Liara shook me awake. There were metal and glass shards around us. I realized that large curved metal arms hovered above us almost like a tent. Maybe it was what actually saved us.

I looked around. Garrus and Wrex were there trying to lift what was blocking our exit. Tali was in bad shape. She lay on the ground clutching her side complaining about a suit breach.

Where was Shepard?

I glanced over to the spot where I last saw her: a large metal shard stood in its place, punching a crater on the ground.

My heart sank, unwilling to believe what was before my eyes.

There was no time. The smoke was covering everything and soon it was going to suffocate us. We had to get out. Thankfully, a few of us were biotics.

One, Two, Three. Push!

It did not budge.

Again. One, Two, Three, Push!

I forgot how many times we did that, but finally it moved. We got help from rescue teams on the other side. Finally we were able to punch out a hole big enough for everyone to crawl in and out.

An officer came in, and then Anderson.

"Where's the commander?" Anderson asked pressingly.

I couldn't look back. Everything seemed to slow.

Liara sadly turned her head to where the crater was and dropped her head sadly. The rescue team immediately escorted Garrus, Wrex and Liara out, while some paramedics carried Tali out on a gurney. Anderson placed his hand on my shoulder and gestured for me to join him. The rescue team continued to sift through the debris. Fire teams rushed in with hoses.

I looked back. A figure, clutching its side appeared running—or at least trying to run—behind the smoky haze. I blinked and moved towards it. This figure was crawling her way up a hill of debris. A slight gasp came. I knew that gasp.

It was her.

When she made it to the top, she stared down at us and smiled victoriously. Her hardsuit had several dents. She got a few bruises on her face and her lips were bloodied. To me, she was still pretty.

The world resumed its normal pace.

Anderson saw her too. Shepard limped her way towards us, nearly collapsing on Anderson. Thankfully, he caught her in his arms. Breathing heavily, she weakly asked him, "How did I do?"

"Not bad kid," Anderson said with a smile. "Not bad at all."

He helped her onto a gurney. Just as the paramedics were about to pull her away, she reached out to me, "Kaidan…"

Rushing to her side, I squeezed her hand.

"Don't…leave me," she pleaded, trying to catch her breath with difficulty.

"Never thought of it."

She passed out.

We were all rushed to the hospital. Garrus got out almost immediately. He only had a broken arm. So did Liara and Wrex. Tali was confined for a day or two. Her suit puncture apparently caused an infection. As for me, the doctors ran some scans and they soon released me.

Shepard got the worst of it. Doctors told me that blunt trauma on her chest caused her ribs to break and caused some complications on her lungs. Hence the breathing problems. Treatable, they said, but painful. She was able to get up a few hours later with some difficulty. I stayed with her until visiting hours were over and the hospital staff kicked me out.

I ordered several tea rose bouquets, enough to fill her room. Morning came. I rang her hospital room as I was just outside the hospital on my way to her.

The comm was picked up. The room's occupant answered sleepily, "Hello?"

I started singing:

_I don't remember what day it was  
><em>_I didn't notice what time it was_

"Hello?" she asked again groggily. "Who is this?" I think she hasn't fully woken up yet and recognized me at that point.

_All I know is that I fell in love with you  
><em>_And if all my dreams come true  
><em>_I'll be spending time with you_

I heard a chuckle from the other line. She has recognized me.

_I love you more today than yesterday,  
><em>_But not as much as tomorrow.  
><em>_I love you more today than yesterday,  
><em>_But only half as much as tomorrow._

I repeated that last verse twice. Some heads turned my way, but I didn't mind. I must have missed a note or two, despite the fact that I lowered the pitch. At least they didn't recognize me. But as I finished, I could almost feel her smiling on the other line. By the end of that song, I was already outside her room.

"This has to be the sweetest wake-up call I have ever received," she said.

"It's our song," I replied. "Remember that dance?"

"I remember. Where are you?"

"Right here," I answered, as I opened her door.

She was sitting on her bed in a robe. Her lips and eyes were swollen, but she was still beautiful. Smiling and shaking her head, she said, "Oh dear, you just want to get laid."

I planted a quick kiss on her lips. "Not a bad idea."

She groaned. "I don't think I would be that much good to you…then, in that aspect. Not until I can breathe properly."

"I can wait." I took a seat by her hospital bed. We stared at each other, unable to ask the lingering questions: what happens to us now? Where do we go from here?

As if reading my mind, she answered, "Hackett called me last night about a possible assignment in the Amada system. Geth clean-up. It's not over yet. The Reapers are still out there."

I nodded. "I know."

"The tickets will have to wait," she sadly added.

I think that was one of the best things I loved about her: she knew her duty, like I knew mine. But it is what makes what we have hard. I kissed her again. "Try not to make me wait too long."

She sighed against my lips. We both knew that that could be a long time, and that she could not really promise that. "I'll try."

Even if it was torture, I was willing to wait, even if it takes forever.

"You could always marry me," I cheerfully suggested, "you know, when this is all over."

This time, it was she who pulled me in, her lips burned like fire, aching for mine. Even I had trouble breathing after.

"Is that a yes?" I asked when we parted, resting our foreheads on each other.

"I might consider it," she whispered, between ragged breaths, "if you come with me to Amada."

"Of course I will." She knew I couldn't say no. And I would never ask for a reassignment.

I was about to kiss her again, when a voice broke out from her door. "You two aren't planning to take on the geth without us, I hope?"

It was Garrus at the door. Wrex, Joker, Liara, and Tali were behind him. Tali had an IV attached to her suit.

Aida shook her head. "Wouldn't dream of it." Turning to Wrex, she asked, "I thought you were heading back to Tuchanka?"

"Figured I could knock a few flashlight heads before you drop me off," he answered.

Everyone was smiling at us. Though we knew that someday, we would all have to go our own separate ways, there seemed to be no sign of goodbye.

Especially from her.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** The idea for a song came from a _Bones_ episode. Brennan and Booth had their own, so I figured I could use that idea here.

Originally, I thought of making Kaidan use an audioclip, but then I figured that if it was an audioclip on the phone, a sleepy Shepard would simply put it down. A band serenading Shepard would be too loud. So I had to make Kaidan sing. Kaidan never sang in the games so I'll just leave it to your imagination.

I did a little search, apparently I'm not the only one with this idea. .com/watch?v=m4RoFP46Yus . That clip was so sweet. I think I want to find a DVD of this drama.

Oh well, even if it is not original, I think it fits Kaidan and Aida. I wanted them to have a few sweet moments before the inevitable tragedy.


	21. Parting

**Chapter 21**

**Parting**

"What kind of an idiot looks back when he was especially told not to look back?" I exclaimed as she finished reading a story to me.

She was reading a portion of _Mythology_ to me while we were in bed. That was what I let her do sometimes, because she loved stories. The portion she read to me after a period of intense lovemaking was the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice. Maybe the story affected me a little because it was romantic. It was about a man who tries to save the woman he loves but fails. I guess this kind of story is frustrating because you never want that to happen to you.

"Some people say he doubted," she answered me. "Some say that he did not love her enough."

I protested. "How can he not love her enough? He actually followed her to hell."

"But he did not love her enough to trust that she was actually there, following him out."

"I guess some things are just hard to believe. I mean, getting the woman you love back—that doesn't happen every day."

"Hence the tragedy," she concluded, closing the book before us and nuzzling close to me. Her fingers traced slow circles on my chest. "What would you do if I get spaced?"

My arms found their way around her. I wanted to keep her close. "You're not going to get spaced. You're Commander Shepard. No matter how dangerous the mission is, you always come out alive." I guess my real answer was: I don't know. I really don't know.

"But what if I don't?" she insisted, looking up at me.

I took that opportunity to pin her down, and plant soft kisses down her neck. "You will. Always."

She gently succumbed to me.

Weeks later, after everything that has happened, I found the same book mailed to my Vancouver home, still carrying her scent.

* * *

><p>The saddest things happen when you least expect them to happen. The day of the attack, I held her like I did every morning. I kissed her goodbye as I did every morning. And every morning, we had to keep pretending so that at night, we could resume our reality. Though we knew that every time we kissed each other goodbye could be our last, nothing could have prepared me for what was to happen.<p>

It was very quiet that day, like the days before that. I snuck some roses into her room. I thought that it was about time that she celebrates another "birthday." I was going to get her something from requisitions when the Normandy suddenly jumped like it was being chased.

The Normandy violently shook. Things around us started exploding. The evacuation alarm sounded. I knew one thing I had to do: I had to get to her.

I sped up the ladder to the crew deck, against the flow of people running to the shuttles. Panels kept exploding. Someone screamed in pain. Everything was on fire. Vents leaked steam uncontrollably. The smoke was getting thick. I barely managed to jump out of the way of an exploding wall. But I got to her.

She was activating the distress beacon. I tried to put out the fires around her. "Get everyone onto the escape shuttles," she told me.

She was not going to get rid of me that easily.

"Joker's still in the cockpit," I said, still fighting the flames with my extinguisher. "He won't abandon ship. I'm not leaving either."

Tugging my shoulder, she repeated, "I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker."

She barely finished that sentence when another board exploded barely a meter from her face.

"Commander!" I called, both in protest and out of concern.

"Kaidan, go!" she determinedly said. This time, it was an order. "Now." For a minute, she paused to look at me. I wish I could see the expression behind her mask.

"Aye, aye." I answered, regrettably.

I managed to get the remaining people onto a shuttle. I did what I was told, but there was some part of me that wished that I disobeyed that last order.

As the shuttle blasted out of its bay, we watched in horror as fire and more explosions consumed the Normandy. Finally, we saw the last shuttle blast out.

"She's alive," I told myself.

Always, when I was around her, I felt as if we were linked, knotted in some way by an invisible wire; if anything were to happen to one of us, I would know. But I felt nothing.

The first thing I did when we landed on the snowy planet was to locate all of the survivors. The last shuttle crashed a few clicks from the rest on a cliff side, but it was fully intact. The incoming blizzard made it almost impossible to peer through. No one was coming out.

When we opened its door, it contained only Joker, sitting dejectedly with his face buried in his hands.

Despite seeing all that was before me, I still wanted to believe that she was there. Maybe she got out sooner. Or maybe she was there, just cloaked and ready to surprise us. But no surprise came.

"Where is she?" Garrus demanded.

Joker paused, staring at the empty space beyond us. "She's gone."

My world slowed. My senses dulled. For a minute, I didn't hear anything around me. Not even Liara slumping to the dirty floor, Garrus shouting at Joker and grabbing his collar, or Tali trying to stop the fight.

The wire was snapped. I didn't feel anything, except the slow bleeding that I felt inside me.

I know being without her is a slow death, but I kept my mask on and accepted my fate. With my own mask, at least no one could see how I bled inside. It was only then that I finally understood why she wore masks.

I followed her every command. I got everyone out and kept everyone safe until the Alliance rescue teams arrived. Throughout the time we were waiting for rescue, Liara insisted that we search for her. I ignored her. There was nothing to find. If one was to find her, I knew that it would be somewhere beyond the sky. And there was no way of getting there but through the way she came.

Someday, I know that I would find her but I will do that by following, fighting my way the way she did. That way, I will surely see her again.

The sky is calling me home to her.

* * *

><p>Thanks to moosesaregreat for betaing this chapter :)<p> 


	22. Album

**Chapter 22**

**Album**

She never changed omni-tools. She upgraded, but always used her 5-year old Serrice model.

Once, I asked her why. She told me that it contains memories, memories that may be hard to back-up.

I know my life would never be the same without her. I am trying to move on, but sometimes I cannot help but look back.

Liara sent a bunch of files to me yesterday. She said it was from Shepard's damaged omni-tool. One of her salvage teams found it, and that she copied the bits that I would find interesting.

I sent a reply asking for details. I knew that Shepard never let that omni-tool out of her sight and if Liara got it, then she would have found Shepard or what was left of her. I never received a reply.

What I got does not bring her back to life, but it is still hers.

She had pictures of Mindoir, Akuze, Feros, mission data, everything. But she also did have a picture folder named after me. I have listed the pictures, and copied what she wrote below those pictures.

* * *

><p><strong>Photo 1<strong>

[A picture of Pressley, Chakwas, Adams, me and Jenkins seated in that order in a circle from left to right.]

Text:

_Herein will I imitate the sun,_

_Who doth permit the base contagious clouds_

_To smother up his beauty from the world,_

_That when he please again to be himself,_

_Being wanted, he may be more wondered at_

_By breaking through the foul and ugly mists_

_Of vapors that did seem to strangle him._

**Photo 2**

[A screen showing the kinetic barrier's status with several sectors off]

Text: A picture of incompetence that I will have to show to Anderson.

**Photo 3**

[Me writing reports that she gave me.]

Text: A picture of dedication and loyalty. I was wrong about him.

**Photo 4**

[Stock image of Udina]

Standard protocol for politicians: "Salute anything you can't eat or kill." –Alenko

**Photo 5**

[Picture of Ashley, me and her with a view overlooking the Citadel and its arms.]

Text: The better view: The Citadel or Alenko?

I think he fancies me, and I don't mind.

**Photo 6**

[A picture of her, me, Ashley, Joker and a drunken req officer.]

Text: Can't believe Ash got me to dance. Blame Alenko.

**Photo 7**

[A picture taken near the elevator corner of me staring at the book she left.]

Text: _the two_

_together in their sleep will defeat the darkness_

_like a double drum in the forest, pounding_

_against the thick wall of wet leaves._

Maybe he can help me defeat the darkness. And I can help him.

For some time, I thought the only thing I could see was pain. Now I think I can see something beyond it.

**Photo 8**

[Me in pink armor.]

Text: Photo c/o Ash

Something that made me and Ash LOL today. Will definitely distract the geth. Still charming.

**Photo 9**

[Me in the gym, biotically lifting weights with my skin showing a blue glow.]

Text: Aida, beware of distractions.

He's a good man. He does need someone, but that someone should be one who is not military, and one who will not make things complicated for him.

Edit: Looking at these pictures over and over again will make avoiding him useless.

**Photo 10**

[A picture of her small hand.]

Text: He held my hand today. I still feel him, and I wish he never had to let go. Blame idle ceremony.

And I'll remember what he said.

Glad to know that it is not only my battlefield decisions that he cares about.

**Photo 11**

[Me looking over the Mindoir mountainside.]

Text: Home.

Not sure where we'll all end up after all this, but I do hope that he finds his way back here with me.

I think he is the kind of person who gives everything to the one he loves, but he has been spurned. He needs someone to love him unconditionally. I know this is wishful thinking, but I hope that could be me one day.

**Photo 12**

[A rose.]

Text: Something that made me cry today.

He sent me about a hundred of these today. Said he'll always remember.

I found a reason to celebrate another birthday.

And I think I am falling for him.

**Photo 12**

[Her hands again, this time glowing biotically]

Text: Something I could do. I don't think I'm afraid anymore.

**Photo 13**

[Another of me at the cockpit monitoring the long-range scanners]

Text: Yup, him again. I think I am obsessed and I don't mind it now.

**Photo 14**

[Her book, opened to a page containing Sonnet 17.]

Text: I love him.

Tried to tell him but I just couldn't. I could only recite Neruda's lyrics. I am an idiot, but despite everything, I think he understood what I was trying to say.

_thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,_

_risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body._

My love is a plant that never blooms. Though I have no words for it, I know now how love makes everything beautiful.

**Photo 15**

[A group picture of me, Shepard, Wrex, Liara, Ashley, Garrus and Tali in the masquerade party. Plus Conrad Verner in the front smiling giddily with a thumbs up sign.]

Text: Kaidan almost kissed me. For a moment, I felt the world stop until my biggest fan showed up.

He was so close.

**Photo 16**

[The Mako sitting on the Virmire beach]

Text: Where I first kissed him.

In case he asks about it later, I'll tell him it is a kind of toughen-it-up kiss.

**Photo 17**

[Polished rifles nicely lined up on the bench.]

Still grieving for Ash. I think he feels her loss most of all, but at least everyone is here for us.

I just couldn't lose him. I know Ash understands, wherever she is. I hope I can be as brave as she was one day.

**Photo 18**

[Our Vancouver tickets]

Text: A promise, and I believe it is for real this time.

**Photo 19**

[On the docks, our first picture together]

Text: Something I will never delete, even if he asked me to do so.

**Photo 20**

[Me sleeping peacefully on her pillow.]

Text: Perfection.

I am not afraid anymore to show him how much I love him.

**Photo 21**

[Me sleeping soundly on a chair with my head on her hospital bed]

Text: He said he'll wait. I don't want him to wait forever.

**Photo 22**

[Crumpled bed sheets with Edith Hamilton's _Mythology_ on them.]

Text: A reading we've picked up.

One story made me think of death. If I die, I don't want him to grieve forever for me. I don't want him to follow me to hell. He is too good to be in those dark places. And if he finds someone else, my shade will smile for him, from down in the darkness where I belong.

* * *

><p>That last line made me stop. I have tried to move on, but I can't seem to. I guess some part of me wants to keep her with me. Even if every moment I remember brings me pain, at least it brings me back to every moment spent with her. There is no other way I can be with her than this.<p>

She is right though. I have to move on.

But there is no moving on from her.

This pain is my only heaven, and I know that's where she truly belongs.

* * *

><p>Betaed by moosesaregreat<p>

**A/N:** I think this chapter is better illustrated. Unfortunately, drawing is not one of my talents and I don't think I can add illustrations here.

This is the closest I could get to rewriting the story in Aida's perspective. I hope you guys enjoyed it.

Almost done. YAY!


	23. Alone

**Chapter 23**

**Alone**

I awoke at the urgency of my alarm.

8:00 AM, it said.

Horizon does not follow the daily rhythms of the Citadel or the Alliance. Time here has its own slow pace. But their rhythm is not something that I intend on following especially given the imminent threat. It is no accident that all their comm system have suddenly shut down late last night. The deceptive peacefulness of the fields makes the whole place out of touch with the rest of the universe. Don't people here know what's coming to them?

I guess not. If they truly understood the recent kidnapping threats, they would stop pinning their conspiracy theories at me and start lining up to help with the decade-old defense towers that I am trying to repair for days.

But I can't complain. This is my mission and I am here to do what I am ordered to do. Besides, people in every colony I go to are always suspicious of me.

I think that was part of the reason why I keep volunteering for colony missions. The colonies are good places to try to forget about everything and find some solitude. Since extranet signals are weak and the people are mean, one's misanthropy can be excused.

Everything starts early. I grabbed a sandwich and headed out to the small town center.

People do not like it that the defense controls are right in the center of town. But I have now gotten used to the suspicious stares that I am given and the occasional sabotagers.

I was calibrating the guns that seem to be stuck at sixty percent. I tried to remember the stuff that Garrus used to do in the Normandy, but I ended up missing something.

A small persistent tap on my arm drew me out of my thoughts. I turned around to find a tanned dark haired girl, probably about eight, handing me a sandwich bag. "Mommy asked me to give you this," she said in her soft voice.

When I thanked her, she immediately dashed off. Must be Lilith's daughter. Lilith is the town's equivalent of a mayor, and I think the reason why she helps me is because she has relatives in the Alliance.

The girl rejoined her friends at the other side of the square and sauntered off to the direction of the school.

Maybe that was Shepard years ago.

It made me think: maybe if colonies had started building defense turrets like these two decades ago, Mindoir would not have happened and Shepard would still have a family. Maybe she would have lived a peaceful unexciting life. But if the Alliance had saved Mindoir years ago, I would not have met her.

I tried not to think about it too much as I got back to the control terminal. It wasn't powering up.

Stupid decade-old machine.

On my omni-tool, I got three messages from yesterday that I didn't have time to read: one from Anderson asking for updates, a "Where are you now?" email from Mom and one from Rhianna.

Rhianna was the doctor I wrote about before. My friend forcibly handed over her number to me a week after our disaster date. Her email reads:

Hey,

I haven't heard from you in a while so I guess you are out again saving the galaxy.

Listen, I've met someone else and I thought you should know.

I cannot always wait for you.

Rhianna

We started sort-of seeing each other after another one of my colony runs last year. I was back at the Citadel, and everything reminded me of Shepard. The realization came: I have to move on. So I called Rhianna. My parents and all my friends were starting to worry about me, so I figured that it was time. Rhianna and I started going out on our own for drinks. She could hold out her side of the conversation, and she had stopped asking questions. One night, I got really drunk and I ended up in her apartment. She told me nothing happened, but after that, she started hovering around me. I guess Rhianna is one of those people with a huge heart for lost guys like me.

I like her, but not like the way I did feel for Shepard. Some part of me likes the attention I get from Rhianna. Maybe I even have feelings for her, but I just know: those feelings would change and whither like flowers back home. The way I feel for Shepard is like gravity. I don't think anyone sees it, but it is necessary because it keeps me grounded. I think I know now that that is the reason why I cannot just simply let go and forget her.

Before I met Shepard, I would have imagined myself being with someone like Rhianna. I think I wanted something "safe" after what happened with Rahna. After Rahna, I didn't think I would feel for anyone like that anymore. But Shepard changed all that. What we had was nowhere near safe. Though almost every day she placed me through countless near-death situations and there's that thing with Alliance protocols about officer relationships, I didn't mind. She made me forget about being safe. That is why, if I could go back to that day when Shepard stayed in the Normandy and ordered me off, I would have stayed with her. I wouldn't have minded dying if it meant being with her. I am not suicidal, just regretful.

Without her, the past two years felt just like another field exercise—a series of setup operations to get me back on my feet. I guess when something bad happens people always try to return to what they think is normal. This is my way of coping.

Rhianna confronted me one day as we sat across each other on a small quaint bistro. "Do you still love her?" she asked.

"Who do you mean?"

"That night when you got really drunk, you talked about someone you lost. Do you still love her?"

I was cutting my steak and that question made me put down my knife. I knew that the answer would hurt her.

"I don't know where this is going. I can't help you if you won't let me. Do you still love her?"

When I couldn't give her a straight answer, she walked out.

I guess I wasn't being fair to her.

After that, news of disappearing colonies increased, and I was sent to do more colony setup runs. She started emailing me again asking how I've been, and telling me how she's doing in her clinic and the medical missions she went to. I never replied back. I could think of a hundred reasons-no extranet, busy working with colonists and decades old tech-but those are only secondary. The truth is, I feel guilty. In my way of coping, I became the bastard I always hated.

At least she has moved on.

I am still here.

Recently, there have been reports of random Shepard sightings in Omega and the Citadel. Some people are just crazy and some of Shepard's fans do have cult follower tendencies. Part of me though, held out hope that those are true. Sure, Joker told me how he saw her get spaced, but I still want to hope.

More than a week ago, when I successfully managed to get a more-or-less stable connection as I was setting up in another colony, Intel forwarded a series of vids that a salvage team recovered from Freedom's Progress, one of the colonies that got hit. One vid showed a bunch of bi-pedal insect-like creatures, dragging and tossing humans into pods, and then shipping them. HQ's identification scans reveal them to be a lost specie called the Collectors. It was the first lead we got for months about the colonial kidnappings.

In the next vid, the camera was angled towards the door of a building as three figures were exiting it. One of them was a beautiful well-endowed woman with long hair falling on her shoulders. She was carrying other's omni-tool in her arm. The other looked like a well-built chocolate complexioned soldier in a dark uniform. Both look like biotics.

The last figure was one I seemed to know well. She had the same blue eyes, the same dark hair, and even the same black N7 armor that she wore the last time I saw her—the last time I touched her not knowing that it would be the last. As her companions disappeared beyond the camera angle, she looked up and stared at the camera with the same imposing expression that she flashed towards irritating reporters at the Citadel.

The first time I saw it, it took me a while to register what I just saw.

Shepard was not the smile-for-the-camera type. If that was really her in that vid, the only explanation was that she wanted to be seen.

Her companions have been identified as Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor. According to their dossiers, they both have disappeared after foiling an assassination plot, and are rumored to be working for Cerberus.

The Shepard I knew would not side with Cerberus on anything, especially if Cerberus is the organization behind the kidnappings. And if she was really alive, she would try to find me.

I don't know. Maybe she needs rescuing. Maybe Cerberus is keeping her and she can't get out. Maybe she has no choice. Whatever the reason is, I just knew that I had to find her.

A few days later, I got an anonymous email that sent me packing. It contained blueprints and information about Horizon—types of information are those that one considers when one is attacking a colony.

It was the best lead I that got, and I decided to follow it. I know that if I find the Collectors, Cerberus, or both, maybe I might find her.

At last, the terminal started powering up again. Calibration: fifty-five percent.

Great.

I looked up at the sky. Rain clouds were starting to gather. On a bench a few meters from the terminal, a stout construction worker was smoking a cigarette.

"Does it rain much here?" I asked him.

He leisurely breathed out some smoke. "Nope. It's usually sunny and peaceful here."

I sighed. A storm was coming.

**A/N:** I am sorry for the hiatus. I got really busy during the past months.

This is actually my second version of this chapter. The first version included a mystery with Cerberus, but it felt out of tune with the rest of the piece. I decided to keep it simple here.

Only a few chapters more and I'll end this. Initially, I thought of continuing this to ME3, but I have decided to write an ME2 sequel in Shepard's perspective to create a balance. I have decided not to include an epilogue written in Shepard's voice because that will defeat one of my plans for ME3. ME3 will use both Kaidan's and Shepard's voices. Eulogy as a piece written by Kaidan will feature in my ME3 story.

Thanks for reading. I'll try to finish the reunion chapter soon now that I have more free time now. Hopefully, I won't be too distracted by Skyrim.

**A/N2:** I think I want to change the doctor's name. I borrowed "Rhianna" from one of my other Shepards. Problem is, Rhianna sounds too much like Rahna. Poor Kaidan.


	24. Recalled to Life

**Chapter 24**

**Recalled to Life**

I don't know how to write this. I just don't. I know I started writing this so I could in a way bring her back, but now that she's…I don't know.

I've written everything I remembered in my reports. Well, almost everything. Not the way I felt when she relaxed in my embrace, the way her hair smelt like after going though smoke and too much sunlight, the way she her lips twitched when I told her….

No.

It wasn't her.

It only felt like her, because the woman I knew, the woman I loved wouldn't have joined Cerberus. The woman I loved wouldn't have betrayed me.

Okay, I know. I need to calm down, and write what I remember when the Collectors started swooping in.

I was ranting to Lilith, I think, about my unsuccessful attempts at calibrating the targeting matrix. Suddenly, there was this swarm of bugs. I drew my rifle, and instructed Lilith to get as many people to the safehouse. But there wasn't time. Within seconds, there were bugs everywhere. As I was trying to shoot as many of them as I could to buy the colonists some time, one bug managed to sink its teeth on the weak side of my armor. I got it off, but the next thing I knew was that I couldn't move.

Soon, a massive ship landed. It looked familiar, almost like the one that fired on the Normandy, but it couldn't be it. It was too convenient. Like the videos that I got from intel, Collectors came out and started collecting the frozen human colonists into pods.

I knew what they were doing, but I was powerless to stop them. Everything inside me wanted to break out of my body's frozen shell, but some strong invisible force was keeping me in my place. I felt like giving up. I thought that if I died, I may at least find my way to her.

A pair of large insect claws grabbed me on the shoulder, and dragged my stiff body onto a coffin-like pod. Darkness reigned around me as someone sealed the coffin from the other side.

I was ready to meet her.

Until I heard gunfire. And her voice.

"Miranda, warp its barriers! Mordin, incinerate their armor! Jack, keep these husks off me! All of you, send these bastards to hell!"

There was no mistake. It was her. Or at least I thought it was her.

There was a lot of gunfire, but amidst it all, an ominous voice thundered, "You will know pain, Shepard."

It wasn't her. It couldn't have been her. It just made no sense.

Soon, it was over. Rushing footsteps passed me. Whoever it was, I had to get to her.

I still couldn't move, and I was still in a pod. But I had to break free somehow. That invisible force was still holding me. I had to focus. Focus on getting to her. In my head, I pushed it back, whatever it was that was holding me inside my body, inside my tomb. Push. I was still alive and I had to get to her. And push harder. I couldn't just give up. Not when she was so near.

Then, something inside me broke out. Its force blasted my coffin to bits, and I soon found myself lying on the wet grass with lots of Collector bodies around me.

I was alive.

Instantly, I was on my feet. The barrier that I threw around me was enough to keep swarms off.

I heard gunfire in the direction of the turrets, so I headed there. All of a sudden, I heard the turrets firing. Whoever it was had done the impossible, and had sent the Collector ship taking off with its swarms, its minions and most of the colonists.

I slowed my pace and let my barrier fade. Most of the colonists were gone, but she was still there.

I ran.

As I got to the square, I heard Delan protesting, "Half the colony's in there! They took Egan, and Sam, and Lilith. Do something!"

"I didn't want it to end this way," she shouted back. "I did what I could."

I hid behind a pile of crates. The way she paced, the way she stood her ground against a confused colonist. It looked like her.

"More than most Shepard," said another familiar voice that could only belong to one turian I fought alongside with a long time ago.

"Shepard…" Delan winched. "Wait, I know that name. Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

"Commander Shepard," my voice called out almost involuntarily. "Captain of the Normandy."

Probably as soon as she heard me, she turned, and I saw her. It looked like her: the same dark hair, the same fierce blue eyes, the same confused look that was written all over her face the first time I told her that she was special to me, back when "idle ceremony" was still an issue for us. Now nothing seemed to matter.

"First human spectre. Savior of the Citadel." Growling, I turned to Delan, "You're in the presence of a legend and…a ghost."

Delan grumbled something else before scampering off. I forgot what. It didn't matter.

I was there.

She was there.

And I still loved her.

It didn't take me long to close the distance between us, and take her in my arms. In my arms, she still felt the same. Time stopped when I held her. Nothing else mattered except her. For a moment, she was real to me. "I thought you were dead Shepard, we all did."

But then she pushed me away. "It's been too long Kaidan," she said casually, flashing me a tight smile. "How've you been?"

For a second, I stared at her disbelievingly. These two years, wherever she was, how could she have forgotten what we were, and what we've had?

"Is that all that you have to say?" I asked. "You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?"

Her smile faded, and she sighed. I wondered what that sigh meant.

"I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I loved you."

I loved you. That was something I had to say in past tense, because I didn't know if I still mattered to her the same was she did to me.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that?"

Then a thought flashed that really made me angry: if she was alive all this time and if she still cared for me, why did she not at least try to find me?

I found myself almost yelling at her. "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you're alive?"

Another sigh. She directed her eyes to the ground. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. So much time has passed, and you've moved on. I…I don't want to reopen old wounds."

This time, I was the one to sigh. "I did move on. Or at least I thought I did. But…now we've got reports about you and Cerberus."

I glanced at the people around us. Of course I knew Garrus. The others with her were a krogan, a bald scantily clad and overly tattooed woman, a salarian and the two people I saw with her in the video that Anderson sent me.

So it was true. And I couldn't believe it.

"Reports?" Garrus asked. "You mean you already knew?"

I explained, "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. And that you're working for…the enemy."

"Our colonies are disappearing," she barked defensively. "The Alliance turned its back on them. Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it.

"You can't really believe that! We both know what Cerberus is like. What they're capable of. I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this." And then I just had to say it. "You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

I think that sent a pang of remorse at least, judging from the way her eyes glimmered with what could be sadness or guilt or both. "Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers."

"I want to believe you Shepard." Trust me, I really do. "But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working for the Collectors?"

"Dammit Kaidan!" said Garrus behind her. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat."

The woman in the vid beside Shepard scoffed, "I guess that's typical Alliance attitude."

"You're letting the way you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

Wonderful. And she's the one working with Cerberus. The woman I loved would never work with Cerberus. "Maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight. You've changed."

It was hard for me admit it, but she has changed. Now I don't know who she is anymore.

"You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."

The sight of her initially was something that I felt brought me back to life after all these years of living without her. Now, it was something that I can't stand because she betrayed me. I just had to turn my back on her. I just had to.

"I could use someone like you in my crew Kaidan." Her voice sounded like it was begging. But no, it wasn't. "It will be just like old times."

_It will not be like old times if Cerberus is controlling one of us, _I wanted to say._ It will not be like old times if the old you isn't there_. _It will not be like old times if what you used to feel towards me is gone_.

"No, it won't," I protested. "I'll never work for Cerberus."

Stealing one last glace at her, I uttered my goodbye. "Be careful," I said.

Not sure what she replied to me, or if she said anything at all. But for a moment, I think I heard her whisper, "Farewell."

Maybe it really was her. But now I know: she's really gone.

**A/N:** It's been a long time. I know a lot of readers have moved on from Mass Effect, but I'm not sure if I can completely move away from it. So much time has passed from that last chapter, and so much has happened. Real life. Sigh. But I really wanted to have time for this, especially after the Citadel DLC.

I know I will still need to edit this, and other chapters along with it. I've decided to just continue _Eulogy_ to the end of ME3. It will still be mostly in Kaidan'S POV, but I'm finding a way to insert Aida's POV. Especially after this chapter.

Grrr. I know how a lot of us hate Horizon, but it just had to be written.


	25. Regret

**Chapter 25**

**Regret**

What does it matter that my love could not keep her?

The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

-Pablo Neruda

* * *

><p>I sat nervously as Anderson reviewed my report on Horizon on the desk across me. I wasn't sure how he would take the news that Shepard is alive and working for Cerberus. To my surprise, it seemed like he already knew.<p>

As he slowly closed my report, he turned to me and asked casually, "So…how was she?"

At first, I didn't know how to reply, until I responded with a generic. "She's fine."

"How are you?"

"Good."

"You are not very good at lying, Commander."

"Still I try my best, sir."

Getting up from his chair, he walked towards his balcony overlooking the Presidium and gestured me to follow him. "I can't lie to you either, then, because you need to know. She came here about a month ago. Got herself reinstated, and asked for you."

"She asked for me?" I repeated disbelievingly.

"Yes, she did. But I couldn't tell her anything. I couldn't risk you getting targeted out there. I'm sorry."

"You did what you had to do sir. She's with Cerberus now, and like them, she can't be trusted anymore."

"That's where we're different then. I don't trust Cerberus, but I would trust her with my life any day."

"How can you be sure that it still her?"

"I just know." He leaned against the railings, looking up at the starry sky. For a moment, I think I caught a smile, as if he remembered something that he shouldn't but was glad to have remembered it. "I was young once too, Commander. I too had my chances at happiness. I let it go once, but when I almost lost her…The thing is Commander, not everyone gets second chances. You have yours. Don't waste it."

As I walked back to my apartment, I thought about what Anderson said. If she's really back, maybe this is the universe's way of giving us a second chance, but it seemed too good to be true. She has changed. I have changed. Everything has changed around us.

Maybe I did get my second chance, but I blew it because I was an idiot.

I should never have let her go.

That thought kept me from sleeping some nights. It kept me worrying about her: she was out there fighting God knows what, and I cannot be there for her. I just had to do something, so I wrote to her.

I edited and deleted more than I wrote. In my letter, I apologized for the things that I have said on Horizon. I was an idiot for telling her that she betrayed me. She never really did, and I was too harsh when I couldn't deal with the fact that she's working for Cerberus.

I wanted to tell her how I felt when I saw her again. Many things have changed around us, but my feelings for her remained the same. Every single day after she died, I tried to reach out to that memory of what we had, even if it is only a memory now. But I just couldn't tell her that.

Well, not all of it. So, I just reminded her that a lot of things have changed that we cannot just put them aside. I tried to explain what happened and what I've tried to do these past two years. As much as it might hurt her, I told her about Rhianna. And reminded her to be careful about Cerberus.

No matter how many times I shuffled paragraphs or edited it, I couldn't write a version that I knew would not hurt her. Reluctantly, I hit send.

For weeks and months, I waited for a reply. Nothing.

Until I got a poem fragment from an anonymous sender:

[…] _my spirit with its loss_

_knows this;_

_though small against the black,_

_small against the formless rocks,_

_hell must break before I am lost;_

_before I am lost,_

_hell must open like a red rose_

_for the dead to pass._

I know only she could have sent it. And she must have hated me. At least she was determined to find a way to defeat the Collectors.

I only wished that she would find her way back to me.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** This short. Hopefully, I'll find a way to quickly finish the next one. Initially, this was supposed to be in Chapter 24, but I decided to separate this to make the previous chapter all about Kaidan's confusion in Horizon.

I don't completely understand why, but I kept replaying this song from the Scarlet Pimpernel musical ( watch?v=jJMmDdGlGY4) as I was writing this chapter. Might be because it was the closest thing that hinted to me what Kaidan might have felt after seeing Shepard again.

I also edited and made some slight changes to "First Dates." I wanted Aida to make Kaidan take some risks. Minor change though.

Thanks for the reviews guys. I'm glad to know that people still love Shenko.


	26. A Promise Fulfilled

**Chapter 26**

**A Promise Fulfilled**

"Oh stay, thou art so fair!"

-Goethe

I hadn't heard from her since that last email. Mostly, I relied on news reports, Alliance intel and the occasional Shepard advertisements for updates on how she was, but of course they were usually delayed, and not often reliable. I knew that she often wrote to Anderson, but he wouldn't always talk to me.

The rest of the known galaxy discovered slowly that the Collectors were gone when they stopped attacking. I learned from a wire that Anderson sent me:

_She got them._

Of course, I was happy with that. But she never came back to me. Soon, Liara disappeared too, and the last reports I got about her were mixed up with Shepard gunning down another Spectre.

Months passed. With the Collectors gone, most of the jobs I got involved cleanup, until news broke out that Shepard destroyed an entire batarian system by piloting an asteroid to a mass relay.

The Shepard I knew wouldn't commit genocide without a reason. Maybe it was the Reapers. Or Cerberus. Or both.

Anderson called me again to his office. At first it was just small talk about me, him, Council politics, his thoughts about retiring, and then he handed me a file. It gave me details about a biotics spec ops group he was assembling back home. He wanted me to train the recruits. Since I am no teacher, I said no.

"Think about it," he said. "Might be the job that can get you close to _her_."

He told me about Shepard, and how she agreed to surrender to the Alliance after saying goodbye to "family."

"She doesn't have one anymore," I pointed out.

Anderson smiled. "Oh, I think she does." He tossed me a printed picture of Shepard sitting with a group around a table in a club on Omega. I recognized some people in the group: Garrus, Tali and her other allies on Horizon. Along with them, sat an odd looking old human merc, an asari, a drell, a black-hooded woman who obviously didn't want to show her face, and a battered geth. A truly odd family.

I examined her picture closely. Her hair was cropped into a short bob. She had her arms around both Garrus and Tali. The smile on her face betrayed a sense of child-like joy. Part of me missed them, and wished that I was there with them, though I would never tell Anderson that. Controlled by Cerberus or not, at least I know that some part of her was still in there, though she might be just a shell of who she was.

"Any ideas on how we could get her to Vancouver?" Anderson asked.

"Sir, I may have just the idea."

I rummaged my compartments for our Vancouver tickets. As soon as I found them (a little faded but still usable), I called Anderson, who arranged everything. A few days later, I found myself waiting for her in the same civilian dock where we bought the tickets.

Not much has changed in those busy docks, though there were certainly more security details. We kept it quiet to avoid reporters. I too had to dress incognito. Everything was pleasantly familiar, from the long lines of busy civilians to that little ticket machine where we had our tickets printed. Yes, that ticket machine was still there. Everything carried me back to that day alone with her. And this time, I followed her advice: I packed all my bags and took out all my money.

I recognized her as soon as she emerged from the gate wearing a gray Cerberus officer's uniform with its insignia torn off. I think she spotted me as soon as she came in, but slowly made her way towards me in a sea of people. The deep blush on her cheek revealed her surprise. She looked pretty much the same as she looked in the picture that Anderson showed me, except that I have noticed that her scars were gone, including the one that I had always loved above her eyebrow. Her unnaturally smooth skin seem like she hasn't aged at all probably due to some kind of Cerberus experiment. A pair of blue eyes silently questioned me as to why I was there.

I was as speechless as she was. Strange, after all the things that I tried to put in my letter, I still had no words to say how much I've missed her, or how much I dreaded, and wanted to find her again.

I pressed the tickets into her hands. A bittersweet smile crept on her lips. "You kept them."

"Of course I did."

"Taking me home?"

"No," I admitted, a few seconds before I cuffed her hand to mine. "I'm sorry."

Her smile didn't hide the glimmer of disappointment in her eyes. "It's fine. At least I know you won't be getting away from me. Not for several hours, anyway."

Her odd sense of humor was still there. A lump seemed to have been caught in my throat, because I couldn't laugh the same way I did.

A pair of Alliance guards made their way towards us. "Is everything alright sir?" one of them asked me.

It obviously wasn't perfect and it wasn't what we planned, but it was the only way to keep my promise to her, even though I was only doing it to her ghost. "Everything is as it should be," I regrettably answered.

The guards scanned her thoroughly, though she came unarmed. They escorted us to the departure gates and into the passenger ship. Apparently, because Anderson bought the entire flight for "security reasons," we were upgraded to first class. Certain that she was not going anywhere, I removed our cuffs as soon as we got settled on our seats that were separated by only a large removable armrest.

Air traffic kept us from taking off, and we had to wait several minutes.

I tried to avoid her gaze. Everything about the situation was awkward, and she too was a little uneasy. The way her brows furrowed and the way she kept biting her lips sort of revealed to me that she wanted to say something.

"What?" I finally asked.

A pale blush subtly revealed itself on her cheek as she stammered, "It's just that… there are some things that I want to say, but I can't seem to say them."

I knew how that felt like, and unlike me, at least she was honest about it. From my pack, I took out her mother's yellowing poetry compilation, which she recognized immediately. "This book always helped you say things that you sometimes couldn't."

As she took the small volume from me, she flicked its pages determinedly, and then stopped at one. When her eyes searched for mine to ask if she should start reading, I nodded.

… _Love is not love  
><em>_Which alters when it alteration finds,  
><em>_Or bends with the remover to remove:  
><em>_O no! it is an ever-fixed mark  
><em>_That looks on tempests and is never shaken;  
><em>_It is the star to every wandering bark,  
><em>_Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.  
><em>_Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks  
><em>_Within his bending sickle's compass come:  
><em>_Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,  
><em>_But bears it out even to the edge of doom.  
><em>_If this be error and upon me proved,  
><em>_I never writ, nor no man ever loved._

She paused after she uttered that last line. Her hopeful blue eyes met mine as she admitted, "You were always that star to me, Kaidan."

_And you were mine._

Her hand shivered slightly as I gently took it. She looked at me with the same earnestness as that night on Ilos.

I knew that the only thing that I needed to do was to remove that armrest that was parting us, take her in my arms and tell her how much she still meant to me. For a moment, I believed that she was still there, waiting for me, as if the past two years never happened. I didn't want that moment to end.

But the moment passed. Soon, the captain told us that we were about to take off. Throughout the rest of the flight, she never spoke again, and I wondered what would have happened if I had managed to say what I wanted to say.

Damn. Maybe I really should have told her.

_To Be Continued…_

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Change of plans. Again. This will be the last chapter of _Eulogy_, because I am now working on its sequel _Cycles: A Love Story_, which focuses on the ME3 plot in both Kaidan and Aida's POV. Initially, I thought about just continuing _Eulogy_ and I have actually started writing down the plot plans for the next chapters, but then I saw the old plot outlines I had for _Cycles, _and realized that what I've planned for _Cycles_ is infinitely much better. Thank God for backups. In my older plans, this is the last chapter for _Eulogy_, and it does make sense because _Eulogy_ loosely follows the Orpheus myth.

I will probably just publish ME2 stories in oneshots.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this. I'm really sorry to leave you guys with a sad, slightly _Dubliners_-style ending, but it is what it is. For now, Kaidan is paralyzed. This is not the end of the story anyway. I'll probably start posting chapters for _Cycles_ during the Holy Week.

To those who followed, favorited, and reviewed this, thank you so much. I never would have been able to finish this without you guys. :)

EDIT: Cycles is here: s/9111993/1/Cycles-A-Love-Story


End file.
